Daily Archives: February 11th, 2010

Gerbil rampage

You wouldn't like me when I'm angry

Occasionally my gerbil research affords me the opportunity to observe other interesting individuals within the herd. I’d like to introduce one notable gerbil today.

This gerbil is not my own, but I’ve been able to observe him for some time from the safety of my gerbil blind. He has most if not all of the gerbil characteristics previously identified during my research.

Additionally this gerbil is male, about 24 years old, unemployed, living with his parents, father to a baby, and heavy drinker and drug user. His plumage of choice is marijuana plants grown under the family garage. When the plants are threatened this gerbil becomes extremely territorial and aggressive.

I was able to document some extraordinary behavior on the part of this particular gerbil last Sunday.

The gerbil took his baby with him to a friend’s house to watch the Super Bowl. At the end of the game, the gerbil dropped off the baby with his mother. (The gerbil’s mother, not the baby’s mother.) The gerbil wanted babysitting services until the next day. Mom said okay (gerbil acquiescence), but he’d have to return by 7am and pick up the baby because that was when she’d be leaving to go to her full-time job.

The next morning the gerbil actually showed up on time. However, when he learned that mom didn’t actually have to leave until 8am (she had changed her plans slightly) the gerbil became enraged. Why? Because the gerbil realized he could have slept in another hour. The gerbil had been inconvenienced. The gerbil responded to his innkeeper by showing his teeth, growling, and exhibiting many other classic signs of hostility and aggression.

By this point mom had finally had enough. She informed the gerbil that the free ride gravy train days were over. It was time for the gerbil to go.

This sobered the gerbil a bit, but he was still defiant. “I can’t go,” he said.

“Why the hell not,” mom wanted to know.

Wait … for … it …

“It’s your fault,” the gerbil quipped. “You didn’t raise me right.”

Sadly, this is the true factual record of my research. It has not been embellished or exaggerated at all to increase the impact. This is exactly how it happened.

It’s too late for the gerbil parent featured here, but if you find yourself with a younger gerbil, there may still be time to avoid this inevitable fate. You may need to seriously ask yourself:

Is it time for a gerbil intervention???