Note the red eye - must be caused by all the energy drinks!

Editor’s Note: This is Part Two in our ongoing team coverage of False Empty Nest Syndrome (or FENS).

Before I begin, I’d like to send shouts at the PeevePile.com web site and their post about the “ista” suffix, something that has been just about been run into the ground and has hopefully run its course. Trying deliberately to be a dick, I went out of my way to use it, though, and came up the word “gerbilista” for this post. I was curious if anyone else had ever used the term (they had) and while checking I found PeevePile.com by chance. Woot! 🙂

I’m pleased to report I was able to conduct an amazing amount of gerbil research in just the last two days. If you missed part one of this series, gerbil is the term I came up with to describe a youngling who fails to leave the nest, thus triggering the onset of False Empty Nest Syndrome.

A common gerbil may not have any resources, like actual money, but even so, the type of beverage that is prized by the gerbil is always of paramount importance. It may even be a matter of life and death. Beverages are used as a replacement for plumage and to establish hierarchy within the herd. The varieties of beverage may differ based on locality, but usually it is idiotic shit like Red Bull and Monster. The gerbil’s motto seems to be: “I may not have money, but I still want to pay over $2.00 for a smallish can of drink.” The particular gerbil I’m studying also has a penchant for coffee house drinks that can cost $3.25 each. Again, the actual cost is of no consequence to the gerbil – where there is a will there is a way. (This same concept applies to cigarettes, alcohol and drugs as well.)

Even if the gerbil can’t pay for its own food, rent, clothes, gas, insurance and cell phone bill (shocking, I know!), it always seems to find the determination and a way to the beverages at the end of the maze. No small amount of lying about finances may be involved and, when necessary, the gerbil is a master of moochiness.

Our gerbil owes us something like $600 in loans and a plane ticket to save his ass from being stranded in a big city far away. The gerbil works odd jobs here and there, so he has some income, and has yet never made any effort to pay us back while living for free in our house. Not even $5. To facilitate this absolute level of sloth, the gerbil must often lie and always claim, no matter what, to be flat ass broke.

A couple of weeks ago we hit a rough spot and Mrs. Abyss actually “borrowed” $30 from our gerbil. (Yes, try to wrap your minds around the concept of borrowing from someone who already owes you a lot of money.) Guess what? The gerbil is one of the worst creditors of all time. Who knew? Bring on the phone calls, “Hey, you got my $30 yet? I really, really need that!”

No doubt.

So Mrs. Abyss gave the gerbil her ATM card yesterday because the gerbil wanted repayment and she didn’t have any cash. The gerbil was under strict instructions to take $20 and only $20 no matter what.

Even if you aren’t a FENS scientist like me I bet you can see where this is going. We checked our bank statement and lo and behold there was a mysterious charge for $3.25 at a local coffee house. By weird happenstance it was our gerbil’s favorite coffee house. The charge took place during the same window that the gerbil physically was in possession of our ATM card. Of course, it goes without saying that the $20 was also withdrawn.

Naturally we asked the gerbil about this during his next deuce run. The gerbil denied everything. Oh no, it wasn’t him! He didn’t purchase any coffee with our card. He was adamant about it. That left us curious, since neither of us has been to the coffee stand in months. Offended by our gall, the gerbil stormed out of our home.

The main point I’m making is that gerbils have evolved an enhanced sense of what I’m calling “responsibility camouflage.” This camouflage kicks in during times of extreme danger, usually in the form of pathological lying. If you watch carefully, you may be able to catch a gerbil in the wild exhibiting this trait.

Stay tuned. More fun gerbil discoveries are no doubt right around the corner!