Out with the old in with the new

Two bystanders attempt to stop Jack In The Box from stabbing this woman

New Year’s Day. A man-made calendar recognition festival that honors the yearly occurrence where the number of rotations around our sun is an integer. Yeah, right. Now that is a good reason for a holiday.

The best part, though, is the time-honored traditions of the holiday. Getting shitfaced because of a line being crossed on a calendar. Good times, good times. DUII incidents will spike just like the punch at the party.

The old year is represented by an old man. The symbology is not lost on me. The old man takes a kick to the fucking ball sack. “See ya, wouldn’t want to be ya,” we tell him. And why the hell not? He’s friggin’ old, dammit. Some extremely wise Eskimos practiced senilicide and our New Year’s customs tell us to keep at it. Personally I sit here patiently waiting my turn in that barrel.

The new year is represented by a baby. A baby! Oh, how cute. Poopy diapers and projectile vomiting represents our highest possible hopes for the new year. Yeah, that sounds about right.

The other famous thing about new year is the tradition of making “resolutions.” These are things that we claim we’ll attempt to complete or improve upon within the next 365 days. We can pretty much say whatever we want since we all know they’ll be making little snow bunnies in Hell before any of those goals are actually met.

I’m going to do something weird and actually make one of my own. Yes, it involves my job. Take a gander at yonder piece of classic video and verily it will all be explained. Enjoy.

Video: Kids in the Hall: Mama Compensation.

3 responses

  1. Counter Culture Clown | Reply

    Don’t worry, my resolutions are coming. And they shall be excellent. And I will live up to each and every one of them! Why? Because I set my goals really low, that’s why. Seriously, one’ll be something like “I’ll eat a candy bar this year”. And I will. And I’ll have reached my goals. Aim low, and you’ll always be succesful.

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  2. […] Every one of my lateral or down-spiraling career moves has always been preceded by a “take this job and shove it” phase, so no unemployment benefits for me. Because I’m a responsible worker I’m left to dream about other avenues of escape like Mama Compensation. […]

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  3. Reblogged this on Shouts from the Abyss and commented:

    As we approach the official midpoint of 2013 perhaps it’s a good idea to measure your new year’s resolution failure quotients while consider how many shopping days are left until Christmas.

    Like

Bringeth forth thy pith and vinegar

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