A co-worker has me in his sights. This is not an exercise, maggot!

Here is my top five list for surviving the work day using all necessary measures. Sometimes you have to, as they say, “take steps.” The ultimate goal here is to be passive-aggressive. If anyone actually detects these techniques your mission is a failure.

5. Pretend you didn’t hear. This is so amazingly simple and effective it is often overlooked. This can sometimes delay tasks for hours or even days. In extreme cases the enemy will acquire a new target and you’ll avoid the task completely. This tactic just oozes KISS. (Keep It Simple Stupid.)

4. This tactic is courtesy of a co-worker. No, he didn’t tell me about it. I’m just observant. Always go potty before you clock out for your lunch. And always go potty after you clock back in. This simple tactic can easily buy you 4-6 minutes of extra time.

3. When you hear a vehicle in the parking lot get up immediately for a quick trip to the bathroom before co-workers realize what is going on. Wait just long enough until you know your co-worker has engaged the customer.

2. Check for voice messages religiously whenever another phone line is in use. This tactic works best when your office has a two-line phone system and you are next in line for answering calls. (Picking up the line will prevent new calls from getting through.) If, God forbid, you have any calls you have to make, always save them up for when someone else is on the phone.

1. There will be times when customer engagement is unavoidable. If that happens, deploy countermeasures immediately, i.e., tell the customer it is not your department and that your co-worker is ready to assist them out on the floor. This is also known as an IED or Inter-Employee Deception. The effectiveness of this tactic drops dramatically when in proximity to your co-workers.

Remember that the tactic that works best depends on the unique situation. And remember your jargon when the chips are down. PITA (Pain In The Ass Client), Demon Client, and of course, Whiskey Tango Foxtrot which is best kept in reserve for calling 911 and asking for the whambulance.

Bonus tactic: Work on your blog while the boss isn’t looking. (I’m using this tactic right now.) Remember, ALT-TAB can be your friend or your enemy. This is more of an indirect tactic which really doesn’t accomplish much more than making you feel better.