Daily Archives: December 4th, 2009

My next web site: WEGOTYOURFAX.COM

Hold still whilst I hippa you, son!

Shsssssh! I don’t normally do this, but I’m going to leak the name of my next web project even before I’ve secured the domain name. WEGOTYOURFAX.COM. Don’t tell anyone, k? It’s a secret! So here’s the inside poop on my next big romantic web site. Remember, you heard it here first!

The place where I work has a fax machine. I’ve often thought about blogging about that fax machine, but I’ve never gotten around to it. That’s a whole ‘nother story.

For this story, the most pertinent detail to know is that our fax number is one digit different than a local medical office. Because people in the medical profession are decidedly not detail oriented, it should come as no surprise what happens next. Right?

Yep. We get medical faxes all … day … long.

You need to know that we are an ecommerce retail business that has absolutely nothing to do with the medical industry. (Our niche industry is selling poop, but that is also another story.)

Sometimes we receive faxes about prescriptions. Sometimes they pertain to medical tests and/or test results. Sometimes it is the patient’s medical history. And even other times it is diagnoses and treatment plans. Sometimes the fax is one or two pages long. Sometimes it is 100 pages long, tying up our fax machine for quite some time and, presumably, costing the owners of our company some serious scrilla.

Even though none of us in the office here have taken the Hippocratic Oath to do no harm, we still more often than not give more a flying shit about the patient (and the patient’s privacy) than the obliviot puss bag of flesh that originated the fax. (The non-detail oriented person in the medical profession who is unable to correctly dial a phone.) We fucking care more than they do!

When we get a fax we immediately call the people who sent the fax for three reasons. One, we figure they just might wanna know of their HIPAA violation. Two, presumably, some poor son of bitch’s medical care hangs in the balance. Thirdly, they just might want to update their phone book so they don’t keep dialing the same wrong number over and over again.

You can guess what happens next, right?

Yep. We call the person who sent the fax and let them know. 99% of the time they could freakin’ care less. Don’t you at least want to get the fax to the correct destination for the patient’s sake?!?!?

To be honest, occasionally we call someone back who actually cares. (That would be the other one percent.) The other day someone official with a clipboard stopped by to follow up on their misrouted fax. They looked at our fax machine. They looked at our shredder. They wanted to interview and write down the names of everyone who had looked at the fax. Now that is impressive.

So now I’m a little tired of this bullshit. To the obliviots who dump on me when I’m only trying to help them, I got news for you. I’m starting a web site. It will document your name (cover sheet) and print the pages you misfaxed and that you couldn’t care less. You can eat it on the web site, biatch.

Just spew it

OK, I just checked my feet. My sneakers say “Skechers.” It is safe for me to proceed with this post. Whew!

It seems to me it is dangerous to wrap your company’s image and marketing around an individual human being. By definition humans are fallible and do some really stupid and freaky shiat. Sometimes it works out, but then again, sometimes it doesn’t.

Once thing is clear, though. Nike loves Tiger Woods. At the time when Tiger went out and did his bit of douchebaggery flair, Nike Corporation had this to say:

“Tiger and his family have Nike’s full support. We respect Tiger’s request for privacy and our thoughts are with Tiger and his family at this time.”

Privacy? Riiiiight. Just how far deep in the sand can Nike stick their head? If that is example of Nike wisdom at work I’m surprised the company is able to turn a profit. Hopefully their business decisions that actually matter show slightly more intelligence. Come on, Nike, get with it! Millions of Asian kids overseas are counting on you for continued employment.

Check that again. FULL SUPPORT. That seems pretty damn unequivocal to me. Of course, that’s how the game is played, right? Everyone always proclaims “full support” right up to the exact second they dump your ass. New drama and sitcom television shows are advertised by the networks as “the hit of the season” and “critics rave” right up to the moment they are canceled … and sometimes beyond. When the classical music preempts regular programming in Russia, the citizens are repeatedly told the president is fine, right up to the moment it’s announced that he’s actually dead. We even got another taste of that this week when the alleged mistress of Tiger vehemently denied everything. Right up to the point where she admitted it was true.

Maybe it’ll be that way with Nike and Tiger, too. Or maybe Nike will stick to their moral high ground and support their corporate trademark buddy no matter what on that slippery slope with their new super traction non-slip shoes!

Question: At what point do adults stop acting like teenagers lying through their teeth? “Gee whiz, mom. I think the thing that hurts the most is that you just don’t believe me. Whaaaaaa!” Somebody dial up 911 for the whambulance.

So, Nike supports Tiger’s family. Goodie. I’m curious, though. Does that include his extended family of mistressi? (Is that the proper form of plural for “mistress?”) Does it include the illegitimate children that might be out there that we haven’t heard about yet?

I’m sorry, Nike, but I’m not about to support a company that tacitly approves of cheating on your spouse. I love Mrs. Abyss too much for that.

Taking more nibbles at giving

OK it has been a couple days so it’s time for an update on this whole “giving” thing.

I’ve been close to throwing in the towel because it is so hard to think of something to give every … single … day. But, as of now, I’m still hanging in there by the skin of my teeth. However, I reserve the right to Palin this task at any time. 🙂

Here is an update on how I handled the 2nd and 3rd days of the month.

I have started a humble canned food drive in my home town. Nothing major, but we’ll see what we can bring in for the local food bank. I’ll be working on this the rest of the month.

Also in my home town, I decided to do something to support a local restaurant. The weakened economy has hit our local restaurants hard and several good places have closed, including some of my personal favorites. I think that when discretionary funds get squeezed in the budget by an economy like this, eating out must be one of the first things to take a hit. So I selected one of my favorite local restaurants at random and fired up my Photoshop and made them a web banner. I then arranged for that advertising to be shown on a popular local web site at no charge. Hopefully they will like my creativity on their banner and it send them much-needed business.

Now all I have to do is think up something to give for today. I can’t handle the pressure! Argh! 🙂

Poop shouts

OK now this is just too good to pass up.

If you’ve read my “id” page then you already know what I wrote there:

It is my ongoing commitment to you, however, to do whatever it takes to always keep the word “poop” as my number one tag.

So I’m extremely thankful when a fellow blogger serves it up on a silver platter, so to speak. Over on the Kayla Said… blog there is a little nugget of goodness that I … must … link.

It’s a heartwarming tale of shock and awe, of first-hand observation of surreal phenomenon, of close encounters of the turd kind. (Oops, did I go too far?)

“Oh no you didn’t!” Oh yes I did. Satisfy your curiosity right now and go visit the Things that make you go “ewww” post on Kayla’s blog. Get the straight poop. You know you want to. You’ll be glad you did.

Feckless Friday: pixelization challenge

Here is this week’s pixelization challenge image. Good luck!