Monthly Archives: December, 2009

Don’t be a “Koch sucker”

Symbols of the tea party movement

This is a follow-up to the previous post: 10 biggest douchebags of 2009. Please join us now for our awards ceremony red carpet after party. It’s time to get down and get funky.

So who is behind the Tea Party movement? One of the big players is Americans For Prosperity (AFP). Who is behind them? One of America’s richest billionaires, a man by the name of David Koch. According to Wikipedia’s David H. Koch page:

In 1984, Koch founded Citizens for a Sound Economy. Koch also funds Americans for Prosperity, a conservative advocacy group that has recently used new media technologies and other efforts to create opposition to U.S. President Barack Obama‘s proposed health care reforms.

Yep, if there’s one thing the rich want, it’s more “prosperity.” When will the dude have enough to get by on?

In the previous post I wrote a bit about who’s behind the tea party movement. Big companies like Exxon and Philip Morris. So how does that translate to a group like Americans For Prosperity? Let’s take a look at the influence of tobacco. According to

AFP advocates pro-tobacco industry positions on issues like cigarette taxes and clean indoor air laws. The name “Americans for Prosperity” will sound familiar to tobacco prevention policy advocates, as Americans for Prosperity worked around the U.S. in recent years to defeat both smokefree workplace laws and cigarette excise tax increases.

Americans for Prosperity opposed a proposed Texas smoking ban in 2005. According to the Fort Worth Star-Telegram, “A proposed statewide smoking ban appears all but dead, supporters acknowledged Monday as they waged a frantic battle to bring the bill up for a vote in the Senate. ‘I think the bill is dead,’ said Peggy Venable, Texas director of Americans for Prosperity, which opposed the legislation, arguing that it is an intrusion on private-property rights.” The strategy of portraying smoking as a “property right” can be traced to Philip Morris which, in the mid-1990s, introduced bills in state legislatures nominally to protect property rights as a means of fighting smoking bans. Venable called the smoke-free measure a “reckless expansion of government” that “set a dangerous precedent.” Although Venable did not testify against the bill directly on behalf of the tobacco industry, the Houston Chronicle reported in 2007 that Americans for Prosperity had, in fact, been underwritten by tobacco companies in other states.

Americans for Prosperity opposes smoking bans by using slippery-slope arguments (“Where will it stop?”) and erroneous arguments that smoking restrictions are economically damaging.

Americans for Prosperity (AFP) also opposed an Illinois state tax on cigarettes in 2008, claiming it would eliminate jobs.

AFP opposed a clean indoor air law in Washington, D.C. in 2006.

AFP opposed a clean indoor air law in Kansas City, portraying the issue as one of personal liberty and economics rather than public health.

I think there are a lot of really sincere and good people in the tea party movement and even in groups like AFP. Unfortunately I feel that most of them don’t even realize how they are being used as pawns in a big game of chess. Their desire for social change is being funneled into a direction they don’t even know. That’s a bit sad. Some call them teabaggers. For foot soldiers in the AFP movement, the phrase Koch sucker might be slightly more accurate.

And that’s all I have to say about that. At least for now. 🙂

10 biggest douchebags of 2009

It’s time to present the 1st Annual SFTA Douchebag Awards.

This coveted award, a bronzed piece of poop, goes to the person of the year in 2009 who singularly excelled in the area of douchebaggery.

The nominees are:

Rush Limbaugh, Balloon Boy’s dad, John Gosslin, Octomom, Barry Bonds, Bernie Madoff, Joe Lieberman, Sarah Palin, Carrie Prejean, and Tiger Woods. (Edit: Last but not least – Nurse Groping Guy. He’s a late entry but still worthy of consideration for the entire year!)

And the bronzed poop for douchebaggery goes to:

The Tea Party Movement. Wow, from out of nowhere, ooh what a surprise. This is the first nomination and award for the Tea Party Movement in this category.

Calling themselves “patriots” these people galvanized into a movement – but only immediately after Obama was elected president. Using violent imagery and a lot of talk about “revolution,” these folks claim to be against things like taxes, big government and the federal budget. The timing of the movement belies all that, though.

The questionable Bush election in 2000 wasn’t enough to galvanize a movement. But the clear and decisive victory of Obama, elected by the people of the United States, was finally too much. Suddenly they had issues with taxes, deficits, and spending. I know, it’s easy to forget those things didn’t exist before Obama.

They use logos like a clenched fist raised in the air, the “don’t tread on me snake,” and wear t-shirts that say things like “revive the revolution.”

They tell us over and over again that they are a grass roots movement. You know, just a bunch of like-minded folks who sprouted organically all over this great country of ours. What they don’t shout, however, is that their movement is basically a front for old-line anti-tax organizations, and funded by right-wing corporate interests. Companies like Exxon and Philip Morris. During the birthing process of this movement, sham organizations were created with the intent of hiding the true origins and sources of large sums of money. Doesn’t sound very grass roots to me.

It’s funny how times change, isn’t it. Yeah, ha ha ha. Six years ago if you said something like, “I don’t agree with the President that a war in Iraq is the best response to 9/11” you were quickly branded a “traitor” and accused of “treason” because you were “undermining the effectiveness of the troops.” These days, though, the true Americans are the ones who talk about “revolution” while showing violent imagery. Yeah, hilarious.

So next time you see a teabagger out cheering against Obama, taxes, or big government, remember that even though some of them might actually be sincere (every movement has true believers) what they are really doing is cheering for big oil and tobacco and right-wing organizations and acting in a very partisan way against Obama.

I think the “tea party” symbology is slightly misplaced here. What would be better?

Dipped in crude oil and rolled in tobacco.
(The modern version of tarred and feathered.)

Out with the old in with the new

Two bystanders attempt to stop Jack In The Box from stabbing this woman

New Year’s Day. A man-made calendar recognition festival that honors the yearly occurrence where the number of rotations around our sun is an integer. Yeah, right. Now that is a good reason for a holiday.

The best part, though, is the time-honored traditions of the holiday. Getting shitfaced because of a line being crossed on a calendar. Good times, good times. DUII incidents will spike just like the punch at the party.

The old year is represented by an old man. The symbology is not lost on me. The old man takes a kick to the fucking ball sack. “See ya, wouldn’t want to be ya,” we tell him. And why the hell not? He’s friggin’ old, dammit. Some extremely wise Eskimos practiced senilicide and our New Year’s customs tell us to keep at it. Personally I sit here patiently waiting my turn in that barrel.

The new year is represented by a baby. A baby! Oh, how cute. Poopy diapers and projectile vomiting represents our highest possible hopes for the new year. Yeah, that sounds about right.

The other famous thing about new year is the tradition of making “resolutions.” These are things that we claim we’ll attempt to complete or improve upon within the next 365 days. We can pretty much say whatever we want since we all know they’ll be making little snow bunnies in Hell before any of those goals are actually met.

I’m going to do something weird and actually make one of my own. Yes, it involves my job. Take a gander at yonder piece of classic video and verily it will all be explained. Enjoy.

Video: Kids in the Hall: Mama Compensation.

You’ve got termination

Hey look! I've just been fired by text message!

Ebenezer Scrooge himself impersonating the Marquis de Sade in a North Pole elf suit couldn’t have played it better.

I’m talking about a news story from the universe (via AOL) that randomly washed up on my beach today: Trucker Laid Off Via Text Message

Niiiice. Big points for style. Extra points for shutting off company credit cards, no matter where the driver was located, and leaving them in the lurch. Oh yeah, “P.S. Please return our truck.”


Details of the severance package: $200 or a bus ticket to get home.

Ho ho ho.

Cell phones continue to impress the living fuckshit out of me. Is there anything these little marvels can’t do? These little guys are the workhorses of the information age and the modern capitalism-based economy.

So why did the news have to be so sudden to employees? I’d assume it’s because management was stealing every penny in sight to fuck over the creditors they’d been stringing along under the house of cards they’d built. Because one thing is certain: The idiot assholes who destroyed the company has gots to get paid, yo.

The company’s web site is down and the company seems to no longer exist. I guess we’re deprived of the opportunity to tell Arrow Trucking Co. to eat our ass. Lame.

Companies just love the idea of “at-will employment.” They think of it a free market win-win. “You can leave any time you want,” they say. “By the same token we reserve the same right.” I can’t think of anything more exhilarating than experiencing that kind of spur-of-the-moment challenge. If you think about it, it’s really a gift from your employer. Just another fun puzzle to solve, with the specter of your family going hungry and/or living on the street for added excitement. Win-win!

I don’t know about you but I just love the Christmas season. I love it when that merry feeling lingers on past the day itself. I feel so festive!

Unfriended by the universe

Yet another amazing photoshop - this one an orgiastic feast of color

Dear Universe,

After hearing that “unfriend” was the hilarious choice for word of the year 2009 by the New Oxford Dictionary, I had a great idea.

The more I think about it, the more I like it. I think you should unfriend me even though my spell checker doesn’t recognize the word yet.

No single word summed up 2009 better than “unfriend?” Really? How about “recession?” How about “unemployment?”

Before you say “no” to this idea, probably out of some misguided feeling that you have to include everyone, please take a moment and consider. I don’t need a “participant” ribbon any more. The one from the sixth-grade track meet still does just fine, thank you.

The benefits of unfriending me are endless. No more pee in your pool. No more clouds on your sunny day. No more diseases introduced into your clean garbage by the wretched refuse.

Please. Unfriend me. I insist.

Jesus is the reason for the seasonings

This is a food post. I’d have to go back and look to be sure, but I think today is about 50 days of vegetarianism for me. Here’s some quickie thoughts on how I made it through the holidays:

Christmas Eve: Veggie pizza.

Christmas Day: Breakfast was delicious eggs benedict with a slice of tomato and avocado. Lunch was an onion tart. Dinner was vegetable minestrone.

Day after Christmas: This was a family gathering at a seafood restaurant. I asked, “what do they have for vegetarians?” The response, “side salad.” Argh! It all worked out, though. I had a dinner salad and the jalapeno poppers appetizers.

Today was leftovers and kickin’ it with no family around. Nothing but rest and relaxation to prepare for the grind which begins anew tomorrow.

For treats we had peanut butter cookies, chocolate chip cookies, Christmas candy, chocolate truffles and a slice of pumpkin pie.

For booze we had tequila, wine and champagne mimosas. (Not all in the same glass.)

I made it through just fine. Mrs. Abyss opted to go with fish at the seafood restaurant.

Blog traffic down yesterday: Negativity Scene

Shop, shop, shop - They need the work

OK, what’s up with y’all? Yesterday my blog recorded a very unusual dip in traffic. It’s almost like something else was going on. Hmmm.

I came up with a phrase in an earlier post that really tickled me. “Negativity scene.” Curious if anyone else ever thought of something similar, I went and Googled it. My idea was, perhaps, a post on “how to make your own negativity scene.”

Alas, as always, another one of my great ideas has already been done by someone else. I was amused, however, to see that my humble blog was result #9 on the first page of results for the phrase. 🙂

Most of what I found railed against materialism, debauchery, consumerism and indulgence. I have to say I mostly agree.

Here are some notable hits from the Google search:

Now I must go. Day 3 of the Christmas holiday vacation is about to ensue. Joy.