Why movie theaters should be destroyed

My spouse is a Harry Potter fan and so last night we did the unthinkable. We went to an actual movie theater to … gasp … watch a movie.

I know, I know. How passe.

It probably won’t surprise anyone who has read this blog that I abhor movie theaters. There is a probablity of 100 percent that during the movie some idiot in the theater will be an assmunch. It is guaranteed. It is inevitable. It is my destiny. I can’t remember a single time during the last 10 years where I didn’t have an enounter in a movie theater that left me livid.

It goes without saying that last night was no exception.

One vivid memory is when we went to see United 93. That was a powerful movie. Like I always do, when I sit in my seat (before the movie starts, mind you) I turn off my cell phone. I do this to be a courteous member of society. You can take it to the bank I’m the only one in the theater to actually do this.

So, we’re watching United 93, a deeply engrossing, serious and upsetting movie. Some dude a few rows in front of me has his cell phone ring. What does he do? Naturally he answers the call and starts a converstation. Does he get out of his seat and go find a quiet spot? No. He just happily chatters away while the rest of our poor saps have to put up with it.

Suffice it to say there have been many shitty experiences between then and now.

Fast forward to last night. There were three teenybopper girls in the far back corner of the theater. They had their little glowing electronic devices out the whole time, I mean they never stopped fiddling with them. Worse, they didn’t shut up through the entire movie. Not once. Non-stop giggling and whispering buzzing in my ear. I found it very hard to concentrate on the movie.

After about 45 minutes I had finally had enough. I got up, stomped up the stairs, and yell-whispered, “I paid money to watch this movie!!! If I hear anything else I’m getting you tossed.“

I said good day! Oh man oh man, did that feel good.

They were remarkably quiet after that, although they never really totally shut up. About every 10 minutes or so one of them would come down the stairs with their little glowing devices (PSP, iPhone, whatever) and cross in front of us.  Finally, about half way through the movie they all got up, each one with their mandatory glowing gadget accessory, and passed in front of us en masse. I was delighted to see that they never returned.

I basically had two questions after this experience:

1. Why did they even bother to go a movie? I can only assume they’d seen the movie before and didn’t pay to get in with their own money. Mommy and daddy must have paid for it. So why spend $21.50 to go to a movie just for a place to hang out, where your devices and conversation are going to annoy the fuck out of everyone around you? Why not simply go to the local trendy hangout for unwanted kids – the coffee house? This one really boggles my mind. I simply don’t get it.
2. In an industry that is supposedly about entertainment, why, not once in my life, have I ever seen a movie theater actually give a flying shit about the experience of their patrons? It would be so easy to simply monitor the room and eject the assholes. Why favor the experience of the loudmouthed few over the rest of the paying people in the room? Makes absolutely no sense to me!

We did talk to an employee of the theater on the way out. We explained what had happened. She said that we could have reported them. Oh great. Get out of my seat and miss some of the movie. Nice option. She also claimed that they monitor the movie a couple of times. Bullshit. Where I was sitting I had a clear view of the only entrance to the theater and no one came in. Not once.

The night cost us $21.00. That was $7.50 each for admission and $3.00 for a small soda each. For that much money I could have waited and owned the movie on DVD. If it wasn’t for spouses I’d never be caught dead in a movie theater ever again.

Movie theater? Please go to hell!