Eat my voice mail, sucka!

Ringing phoneHere’s the scenario.

For some strange reason, the boss doesn’t particularly enjoy all the employees lounging around bored and with nothing to do. So we don’t just sit longingly by the phone waiting for you to call and make our day.

We got shitz to do and thingz goin’ on. Can ya dig it?

It’s almost like the boss thinks that by giving us more tasks and responsibilities than we can ever hope to complete he is guaranteeing that we won’t be slackers. Keeping us behind the eight ball 24/7 is simply a guerrilla tactic to make sure we always work our asses off.

So, what happens when the phone rings? Surprisingly, there are times when we just can’t take the call. We might be with a customer, carrying boxes, on our hands and knees, or otherwise out of pocket.

In cases where we simply can’t make it in time to handle a customer phone call, we have a little device I like to call a “voice mail system” to handle the customer’s requests. It works like this: Customer calls, phone rings five times, voice mail system answers, plays a brief message and the customer leaves a message. Some time later when we aren’t as busy we listen to the customer’s message and then we call the customer back.

Simple, eh? Yes, it is an elegant system.

The problem? Customers who hang up the moment the voice mail system picks up and then pound their redial buttons. Yep. The voice mail system isn’t good enough for them! They are muy importante! The $13 they spent with our company earns them their own full time valet, right?

I have Caller ID so I can see how many times they pull this stunt. I’ve seen customers do it 10 times or more within 3 minutes! You’re busy trying to do your job and the phone never stops ringing. For people who hate telephones, like me, the sound is horrible. It’s like fingernails on a blackboard. It’s like someone creepy behind you with their stinky hot breath on the skin of your neck. It is distracting from the other task or person that I’m trying to take care of so, believe it or not, I can come take your call.

Sometimes I make it back to my desk and could have answered if not for the fact that I see it is their umpteenth call in a row. I’ll be damned before I answer your phone call now, asshole! I’ll get fired before I talk to you. And if I do pick up, I hate you so much it is almost impossible to carry on a conversation with you. I can only imagine that the tone of my voice must be projecting a boatload of negative angst and energy as you tell me about your all-important consumeristic needs.

You need this piece of shit we sell? And you need it by such-and-such a date? Uh huh. Go fuck yourself.

Once a caller gets on my list, there is no known force in the universe that can make me answer that phone or ever talk to them again. I’ll take a bullet to the head before I pick up. Lose my job? Please. I hate the job even more than I hate you. You could stick hot needles in my eyes and I’d just spit back and tell the customer to go to hell.

Take my advice, you flaming ass tard. Call one time, get the voice mail, and leave a brief message. Do not think too highly of yourself. And don’t leave a five-minute voice mail then speed-mumble your phone number in the last two seconds, either. That has a dramatic effect on your chances of  getting a return phone call.

Eat my voice mail, sucker!

P.S. Think about it this way. Do you really want to do business with a company that is dumb enough to have me handling customer phone calls? What must that say about them that they chose me to represent them to their customers. Idiots.

Bringeth forth thy pith and vinegar

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