Monthly Archives: September, 2009

Remember me, the guy who applied for a job?

Help wantedDear <Company>,

You recently advertised the position of <XYZ> with your company. I was excited because I’ve been a customer of yours for years (which is how I heard about the job in the first place) and it was just the sort of job I’ve been looking for. I came down and took the time to fill out your extremely annoying application form. You guys sure are thorough, but you did forget to ask for a poop sample. Then I waited.

And waited. And waited. And waited some more. Finally, I gave up. I never heard back from you. Not even the courtesy of a thank you. No phone call, not even a friggin’ rejection form letter.

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Happy national coffee day

Coffee beansSomeone apparently has decreed that today is National Coffee Day. Who has the authority to do that, I wonder? Probably the national association of coffee merchants or someone like that.

To celebrate I went and found this picture from NASA of all places.

I can’t complain too much about it, I guess. As long as it doesn’t shut down the mail or my bank or anything like that. I’m sitting here at my desk drinking my morning joe and come to think of it, I’m not even sure why I do that every single work day. I think it is routine more than anything else.

So here’s to you, Mr. Coffee Bean. And here’s to you, Mr. Anonymous person who figured out you could take this green little bean and roast it, then grind it, then run hot water over it to make a beverage. You must have been really, really bored. šŸ™‚

Hidden camera politics is the new creepiness

Hidden camera hatAll’s fair in love and war, correct? Today’s new creepiness: Video camera “stings” by your political enemies.

Now for only about $200 you can own your own video camera surveillance hat complete with USB cable! Yes, it’s that easy! That makes it so accessible any wingnut can make a go of it!

When TV news used the hidden camera trick to catch bad guy mechanics unnecessarily charging to replace new oil filters, that was not so bad. Those guys needed to be stopped and the people with the cameras were motivated mostly by journalistic standards.

When it is your political enemies, though, all bets are off. They don’t have any obligation or desire to adhere to basic principles of journalism.

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Gold nugget economics: I’m gold, you’re poop

Gold nugget economicsGold nugget economics is a theory of mine. It is equally valid during times of recession and times of economic recovery. In my experience as I’ve seen it in the field it is remarkably universal.

This theory states that whatever “I” produce is always considered to be of the highest possible value – theĀ gold. Conversely, whatever “you” produce is always considered to be of the lowest possible value – theĀ poop.

I’ll provide a couple examples of this theory in action.

When you are the consumer, you are often forced to accept very severe and rigid terms if you want a service or product. The accounts you maintain as a customer will not hesitate to slap your ass with things like instant shut off the second you are past due, penalties, interest, nasty notices, etc. As a business person, though, if you have accounts that are seriously past due and try to add a 1.5 percent late charge per month, the customer will angrily storm into your office, throw a major conniption, then yell in your face that he’ll never be your customer again.

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Kitchen sink technology

Space shuttle tileThis post launches a new category on the Shouts from the Abyss blog. I’m pleased to introduce theĀ Space Shuttle Tiles category.

Around my house,Ā  you’ll often find me saying things like, “Goddamn, if they can put a man on the moon, why can’t they do XYZ?!?!? This XYZ should have been made out of friggin’ space shuttle tiles.” Because we all know that a space shuttle tile can do anything.

This category will be used to document such phenomenon.

Our starter post concerns the kitchen sink:

If they can put a man on the moon, why can’t they make a kitchen sink that doesn’t get permanently stained if you live a food can sitting in it overnight? It seems to me that kitchen sinks should be made out of space shuttle tiles!!


Charter Communications can eat my ass!

Charter Communications sucksCharter, oh Charter! How do I hate thee? Let me count the ways.

It’s always high drama with Charter and has been for years. I can say with conviction and gusto that Charter Communications is the worst company I’ve ever had the misfortune of dealing with. Bar none.

The most recent fiasco involves Charter Quick Pay or ePay or whatever they’re calling it this week. I used Quick Pay and it said my payment was accepted. Then I waited. And waited some more. Day after day the payment never showed up on either Charter’s web site or my bank statement. Finally I gave in and made the call I was dreading to find out what went wrong.

Cue the employee with an accent…

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I’ll eat my candy with the pork and beans

YouTube wouldn't let me embed and all I got was this stupid tshirtWelcome to this shiny new blog. It’s time to get things going. What’s the lamest and fasted way to chalk up an easy DING! for a blog post? Yep, jam on a YouTube video!

In this case, though, the video I wanted to share has embedding disabled, so I can only provide this sad, solitary, lonely link:

YouTube: Weezer – Pork and Beans

This has got to be one of the coolest songs and coolest videos of all time. So let’s start this blog off right with a lively tune and an entertaining video. It humorously features some of the most famous moments from viral video history.

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