Regurgitated: Bring on the Gristle!

Today is a day of reflection and contemplation regarding the one who laid you as an egg, sat on you, and kept you warm. (I was hatched.)

As such, it feels like a good time to scritch up another bit of regurgitated kibble, this time in the form of gristle. Today we honor the Taker family tree. Oops. The secret is out. My true last name is Gristle.

Well, it used to be Gristlé but the people at Ellis Island apparently hated accents on characters. They weren’t very acute.

With all humility I say unto you that the pre-digested link I’m about to offer up on ye olde silver platter is, without a doubt, the finest piece of prose I have ever produced. It still keeps me up late at night waiting for the Pulitzer jury to call.

Every note hits just right. Not a word or character is out of place. It’s exactly what would happen if an infinite number of ferrets poked their noses at an infinite number of typewriters for an infinite period of time. Perfection.

To read this piece is to know me on a very intimate level. It’s like drinking a little too much red wine then slipping your hand into my knickers. Hee hee! Intimate.

So, today, I offer up this nugget that didn’t fall far from the family tree, a sublime treat that I hope you will enjoy chewing on as much as I did, or at least as much as I enjoyed writing it. Hopefully it won’t boar you too much.

In the service of the King

Honestly I Do

I was out surfing the blogs recently when I caught a real gnarly set:

“If there is anything this blogging journey has taught me, it is to be honest. Not only honest in my life, but honest in my writing as well.” –”Slaying the dragon” from POLYSYLLABIC PROFUNDITIES

Dammit. I’ve been pondering those words ever since. Why did you have to go and make me think?

Monday Morning Improv: Undesirable Pilot Litter

Today’s post is brought to you by the Universe (or, as I like to call it, the random number generator). I asked for three random words and was given, in this order: Undesirable, pilot, litter. Yes, this post will be about the undesirable kind. Not the kinder, gentler desirable litter. Now, if you’ll fasten your seat belts this post is about to take off. -Ed.

Undesirable Pilot Litter
by Tom B. Taker

Uneasily I took my seat. At least it was by the window. I wasn’t feeling so good. Flying always makes me nervous and this was my first time in an airplane in a long, long time. It had been so long I literally couldn’t remember when I’d last flown. Perhaps that business trip back when I’d been somebody? Certainly it was before the events of 9/11. I’d never been through TSA security before.

When did airport security start reaching into people’s pants, and what did they hope to find in my underwear? Just because I was ticklish I had to remove my shirt? That was not very pleasant. Sure I cried and yelled, “Stop touching me,” but that only seemed to egg them on.

No sense crying over spilled milk I said to myself. I might as well try to make the best of it. I adjusted in my seat and tried in vain to feel comfortable where the pee dribbles had gone down my leg. The warmth had quickly given way and was now ice cold. Breathe in, breathe out. Relax, dammit.

I heard rather than felt the deep rumbling from my gut. Anxiously I jammed the button for the flight attendant. “Where are the air sick bags?” Surprisingly I was able to get the words out. Things were finally going my way.

The contents of my stomach also came out before she had time to answer. Too late. Moments later I was provided with a garbage bag and towels. The groping would not continue. This time I was on my own.

Drenched in sweat, pee and my own juices, I finally decided to try to occupy my mind. Magazines? Gack, no! They suck. In a desperation move I turned my head and looked out the tiny little smudgy window.

Bowels. Void.

My finger repeatedly jammed the attendent button until she reappeared. She did not look happy. “Sir! Listen to me,” she said sternly. “I have duties. You cannot keep monopolizing my time. Strange as it may seem, you are not the only passenger on this plane.”

I gestured out the window. Reluctantly she looked. The reaction in her eyes was priceless. Suddenly everything was okay.

BlogFestivus – The Recap

BlogFestivus 2012 is now officially in the history books!

I’d like to thank our illustrious leader, Blogdramedy, for coming up with this fantastic idea! Now we drink. There’s rum in the eggnog, right? And raw eggs?

God bless us every one!

Like Santa on steroids I will be coming around to visit all BlogFestivus participants and share my special kind of love, but I can’t promise I’ll do it all in one night. I’m looking forward to reading all nine reindeer stories from every single person who played along.

This year’s BlogFestivus was a smashing success. My blog felt the love and I met a lot of wonderful people.

I’ve had very little time of late, but I was able to visit some of you and I liked what I saw. Good stuff! If you missed BlogFestivus, I highly recommend taking a look. In our household we also plan to engage in more traditional Festivus activities such as “The Airing of Grievances” and “Feats of Strength.”

Tombstone Authoring: A Twitter Experience

Google Graveyard provides volumes of research information on the marker in front of you. Also relevant text ads for your next shopping trip.—
Tom B. Taker (@shoutabyss) November 12, 2012

Ever wander through a cemetery and wonder about the stories behind those cryptic names and dates? Well wonder no longer. Google, in it’s quest to answer every question of all time, has just announced Google Graveyard. Finally, all of those questions answered.

Some tombstones go old school with name, dates, and that’s it. Some add a few words, like “Beloved Mother.”

Me? I figure what the hell? There’s enough room on my tombstones for 140 characters so why not tweet on it. I plan to make use of that space. Dying will be my final creative act! My pièce de résistance! It’ll even be my raison d’être. Well, maybe not exactly. But you know what I mean.

Towards that end (heh) I set aside a few moments of quality time with my cappuccino and jotted down a few ideas. I’d very much appreciate a tender moment of sharing with you. I’m an author. Please enjoy these selected works from my Twitter stream.

Bonsoir mon ami!

2012-10-05 Tombstone Authoring: ‘The allegations are untrue.’ Signed, Tom B. Taker’s attorney.

Make the great jump if you’d like to read a few more…

Fall Into Foul Blogs

Perchance I shall hawk Chevy Trucks anon, because my blog is steady as a rock.

Nay! That is not a good thing. Forsooth, a curse lies upon this keyboard, methinks.

There are, perhaps, more blog posts about how to blog effectively than there are American dollars comprising the U.S. deficit. I had come across several of these way back in the beginning and learned that if one wanted to grow a blog, a recommended tactic was updating your blog on a regular schedule.

The One Word Writing Challenge – Presidential Edition

It’s time for a writing challenge.

Wow. I can’t believe I’m even going to joke about that. Some crazy person might decide to get back on the net and issue some damn drabble or thirty-word story challenge and then where would I be?

Ah, what the hell. I’m willing to risk it.

I’ve had an email discussion with a friend from across the aisle for weeks about Obama and Romney. Specifically the discussion revolved around one-word descriptions for each of the presidential wannabes. Just a single word. If you sincerely try, finding one and only one word to encapsulate most anything is pretty damn hard to do.

Then along comes with with the “#DefineObamaInOneWord” hashtag thingy. Once again Twitter is aping my awesome creativity and stealing my idea. Sorry, Twitter. This was my idea from weeks ago and I’ve got the emails to prove it.

The one-word writing contest:

Define Obama, Romney or both, using only one-word each. Reply to this post with your entries.

By the way, if you enter multiple times, you weaken the “one-word-ness” of your entry. Think about it.

True pith is hard. If it was easy everyone would do it. So this is your big chance to pith on my blog. You’re not going to pass that up, are you?