Posts Tagged ‘words’

Bullshit

Posted: November 30, 2012 in fail
Tags: , , , , ,

Image source: A Crafter At Sea.

Tip: Always aim for subtlety in the subject lines of your blog posts. Thoughtfully I have provided an example. Those subjects lines are like little windows to the soul. Of your blog posts.

“Bullshit.”

The driver’s side door on my car doesn’t open from the outside. You might think that sucks but to me it’s just one of the innumerable realities of my existence. So my routine is to enter the car from the passenger side, start the engine (a 50-50 proposition) and lean across and unlatch the door, pushing it out gently and hoping against all hope that it doesn’t click shut again, thus forcing me to go back and repeat the process, something I like to call “the Sprinkles on Top.”

Soon even this reality will be denied to me. The handle on the passenger door feels like it is about to fail in exactly the same way. After that I’ll have to get inside by crawling through an air duct or something.

Anyway, that’s how, every morning, I find myself getting into my car with the engine running and the radio already turned on. And, more often than not, it is usually tuned to the local public radio call-in talk format show on the station I was listening to the night before.

The other morning I slid into the spaceship (that’s what I call my car) and a word from the radio pierced my consciousness.

“Bullshit.”

Okay. You have my attention. I paused to listen. Did I really just hear that?
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Source: LoneWolfMontana (Flickr). Click for original.

I like a good joke as much as the next loser. Of course, usually I am the next loser.

I ask you to consider the image on the right. Is it funny? This picture came up in an image search for the word “humor.” That means somebody out there thinks it is funny.

Humor is a lot like beauty, I think, in that it’s in the eye of the beholder. If your mother is currently in the back of the morgue with her ice cold dead body lying rigor mortis on a slab, I’m going to go out on a limb and suggest that you might not think the sign is so funny. For the rest of us, however, the sign might be funny as fucking hell!

There’s one crucial ingredient about jokes and humor. Do you know what it is? Think hard. This isn’t a trick question.

Oh yeah. The shit has to be funny. Humor without funny isn’t humor at all. I know all about this. Not because I’m funny but because I strive for it and fail. That makes me  a freakin’ expert.

But you know what’s way worse than not being funny? It’s using your non-funny as an lame excuse to attempt to get away with being an ass. Case in point: Willard “Mitt” Romney.

Why isn’t saying “It’s just a joke” a valid defense for spewing just about any old bullshit you want? I’m about to tell you why.
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The Romans had their Coliseum. The sick bastards over at The Office of Letters and Light have a little something known as NaNoWriMo.

That stands for National Novel Writing Month.

Letters and Light? Are you kidding me? Euphemism much???

So yeah, obviously they get off on pain and humiliation. It’s a two-pronged approach. How does it work? A little something like this.
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The End
by Tom B. Taker

Gnarled fingers stroked keys, one last bit of prose squeezed out.

He shakingly ripped the paper from the typewriter.

Grimly, he smiled.

He had survived another attempt on his life.

This post is part of the BlogShorts challenge. June 2011 – 30 stories – 30 words – 30 days.

His Hands
by Tom B. Taker

His hands were instruments of creation. Wood became lumber; lumber became two-by-fours; sticks became a house.

What he did best, though, was making that house into a home.

This post is part of the BlogShorts challenge. June 2011 – 30 stories – 30 words – 30 days.

The Fourth Law
by Tom B. Taker

His friend terminated, he was next.

He asked to speak. The robots complied.

“Nothing I say will change your course. You are as close-minded as humans.”

The robots considered.

This post is part of the BlogShorts challenge. June 2011 – 30 stories – 30 words – 30 days.

Nuts
by Tom B. Taker

“Gimme a nut.”

“Get yer own damn nut.”

“Look out!”

A giant creature approached and inspected the bag of nuts.

The thieves looked at each other.

“I think he knows.”

This post is part of the BlogShorts challenge. June 2011 – 30 stories – 30 words – 30 days.

Nuts