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Meanwhile, as an ant on the trail that just got … spored, I guess it’s all a matter of perspective? Damn those spoiled, ungrateful maples. -Ed
The Trees
by Rush
There is unrest in the forest
There is trouble with the trees
For the Maples want more sunlight
And the Oaks ignore their pleas
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Tribal flag and mount. Artist I am not.
A recap of Day 5 action including tribe ZeitGuru’s first reward challenge.
Only one person in the tribe? At last a team I can get down with.
After five days of living on absolutely nothing but water, plain beans, rice, coconut, banana, pineapple and kiwi, I was really looking forward to my first reward challenge.
What would be the reward? Perhaps salt? Oh yeah, that would rock my world. Coffee or tea? Even without sugar that would turn my entire existence upside down.
It’s only been five days.
Whatever the reward, I knew getting it wouldn’t be easy. My wife as Survivor Host, the Probst with the Most, would surely be out to get me. She doesn’t mess around.
On that score, at least, I would not be disappointed.
Oh yeah. Residuals. I now will feck you up with a spirited rendition of an a cappella performance piece I wrote while on vacation. And no, it wasn’t in Wyoming. That’s just an unfortunate naming coincidence.
I have to admit, this is one of the crappiest songs I’ve ever written.
Make the jump to view the video goodness. Enjoy!
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“Grandpa, tell me again the way video worked in the old days. You know, back when you were a kid!”
The old man chuckled as he rocked the child on his withered knee. “Timmy, we didn’t call it video. It was television or TV.”
The child squirmed angrily. “Tell me, grandpa! Tell me about TV!”
“Alright, young pup. I’ve told this story so many times. I still can’t believe you want to hear it again …”
“I do! I do!” interrupted the child.
“… but here goes. The TV was a box we kept in a special room. Just like we usually keep the refrigerator in the kitchen.”
The kid nodded, indicating he understood the strange concept.
“Television wasn’t something you did at your computer. Or carry around in your pocket.” The old man pointed at the device held in tiny hands on which Timmy’s total attention was affixed.
“Sure, it took a minute for the TV to warm up. But once it did, you could turn a thing called a dial as fast as you wanted. Oh no. There were no remote controls back then. You had to earn it. The point is, if you listen, goddamn it, that the picture would change just as fast as you could turn that dial.”
The old man paused for dramatic effect.
“Back then,” he whispered conspiratorially, “there was not such thing as … loading.” He punctuated the sentence by spitting on the floor.
An angry female shout came from the other room. “Pops!! Cut that out.”
Gramps had to get in the last word. “Pah! That’s before you youngins came along with your so-called digital and ruined it all.”
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In honor of SOPA protests today, I thought about protesting myself, but bloody hell. Why should I be the one doing you guys all of the favors? So I decided to go ahead and post so you can also suffer right along with me. (This post was written on SOPA protest day. -Ed.)
When that freak little magical being showed up and offered to grant me one wish, I did what anyone would do. I became suspicious and kicked him in the nards. No one can really grant wishes, right? So he/she/it must have been a liar.
In the past, I always stated with supreme confidence that if I was granted one wish it would be the ability to read the thoughts of other people. I always followed that up with a bold prediction: With that particular power, and within 30 days, I would become Supreme Ruler and Potentate of the Taker Planet. (Earth would be renamed by my decree.)
Yes, that power would make me just that invincible.
Sure, invisibility is always a strong contender for the one wish thingy, but in the end, I’m a heavy breather and I think it would be a waste of a power. Besides, what can you really hope to gain from watching strangers have lots of sex?
Recently, though, a new idea has been brewing. Just in case I ever get offered a wish, I need to be prepared, so I give this a lot of thought. If and when the time comes you need to be ready.
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