Moved

“You’ve got a keen eye, my man. This baby is hot.”

The salesman had seemingly materialized out of thin air. Suddenly he was saddled up and comfy cozy with the customer, on his elbow, and so shoulder-to-shoulder they were actually touching. The customer, in awe of a shiny object, missed the intrusion, and in so doing, a tiny layer of self-protection had been peeled back inside his brain.

“Nothing else can touch her,” the salesman boasted in a silky-smooth voice. Suddenly the object was personified with a female pronoun. We’re all just friends here and getting friendlier every moment. Desire in the customer imperceptibly kicked up another gear.

“Bluetooth ready with seamless integration for all of your devices. Phone, calendar, and email, of course. But also Twitter, Facebook, Pinterest, and our latest innovation: hands-free texting. She generates her own wifi hotspots, too.”

A Little Privacy Please

Focker!!!

Tom Cruise was once in a wacky little movie called Minority Report. I distinctly remember a scene where he strolls through a mall and the shops fling pitches at him … using his name. Creepy! Apparently the stores were able to scan his retina, retrieve his preferences and so forth, and all literally in the blink of an eye with time to tailor a persusion attempt tailored just for him.

“Psst. Tommy boy! Over here, over here! Listen, between you and me, we both know you read Fifty Cups of Earl Grey. Come on, man. There’s no sense in denying it. If that’s the way you roll, come on in! Don’t worry, we’ll keep it on the D-L. Check out this new all-leather KitchenAid Mixer complete with eye-bolts and D-ring snap ons, if you know what I mean.”

I don’t know about you but that kind of technology scares the shit out of me.

“Psst. Tom!! Over here. Did you know it has been over six months since your last purchase of Depends Brand Incontinence Products? It’s way past time for refill, buddy!!!”

Oh shit.

The China Monologues

China, the largest creditor of the United States, has been in the news of late. On Sunday the CBS news program 60 Minutes had a story about a Chinese company called Huawei, a company that makes internet and networking equipment like routers, switches, and has the capability to build things like 4G networks. Huawei has become the largest telecommunications equipment maker in the world.

I’d never heard of Huawei before but apparently my iMac already has. As I write this post the text “Huawei” is already recognized by my inline spellchecker dictionary.

A U.S. congressional report recently released worried that Huawei and ZTE Corp., another Chinese company, have become too powerful and are a potential threat to U.S. national security. The report was produced over the last 11-months by the U.S. House of Representatives’ Intelligence Committee and concludes that the companies could be working with the Chinese government for non-commercial reasons.

Top Ten Ways To Kill With The iPad 3 And iOS 6

iPad: It’s what’s for dinner. Don’t forget your appkin.

Tonight’s top ten list straight from the home orifice in the green room below the only functional outhouse in downtown Abyss:

Top Ten Ways To Kill With The iPad 3 And iOS 6

Here we go…

10. Hurled (as if like a shuriken) directly into the temple.

9. Used to prop up 50-gallon drum of ACME Goo above front door at Road Runner’s house.

8. Slideshow of Lindsay Lohan’s face using Photos app.

7. Replace home button with trigger to AK-47.

6. Cover with catnip, load “exotic cats for sale” page on Craiglist and offer to any lion tamer at work.

5. Mix up a smoothie containing mango, kiwi and iPad.

Great Google-y Moogly!

There’s an urban myth that states: A frog thrown in water hot enough to be lethal will leap out and live to leap again another day. But a frog put in regular water that is slowly heated will remain blissfully unawares and hang around until … wait for it … he croaks.

Truth be told, I’ve been feeling a lot like the protagonist, our hero, The Frog. And the nemesis, the hot water? Our very own beloved Google.

As time went by I found myself in “hot water” more and more often. First Google offered to turn my bread into toast. Then it offered to butter that toast. Now all of the sudden it is picking out the jams and even puts it in my mouth and chews for me.

All I have to do is swallow. Isn’t that convenient?

iPad my Bra

Of all the lies told about the #Apple #iPad, this is the biggest: "You'll use it to do useful shit." Email, games, web, FB, and tweets.—
Tom B. Taker (@shoutabyss) April 18, 2012

Yes, I admit it. iPad my bra. What the hell else am I supposed to do with my moobs?

Enough about that. This is supposed to be a serious post. I have to strive to meet the standard levels of excellence you’ve come to expect on this humble blog.

There. I just sneezed and put some snot on my display. That should help.

There you are. A small business owner on the go. The veritable backbone of the American Dream (TM). In your hand is your trusty Apple iPad 3rd Generation. Under florescent lighting the black surface (also available in white) shines and gleams so brightly that people around you have to wear shades. The future is bright.

You’re minding your own business (literally) and viewing some reports on the retina display. Only you can decipher the maze of spreadsheets and charts of profit and loss statements, balance sheets, and ROI on your CPC to make informed management decisions that will steer your company in the right direction.

Suddenly an alert is thrown to your display. It is accompanied by a satisfying chime sound designed to highlight your importance to minions and random passerby. Seamlessly you switch apps and learn that there is a dock worker strike in Melbourne. Just like you practiced on Fruit Ninja, it is time for decisive action.

Swipe! Shoosh! Swipe!

Your finger lovingly caresses the touch screen. Thanks to your quick action and thinking outside the box, the shipment of widgets has just been diverted to Sydney and you’ve saved millions of dollars in expense.

You find yourself interrupted by a customer and load them a portfolio of images of the Widget 3.0. They are impressed. They want it. Now. They have made a consumer decision to partake of this consumption experience. They hand over their credit card. With a flick of your wrist the iPad scans the bar code on the product. You swipe their plastic through the built-in card reader. Viola! The transaction is done.

Ding!

Score another sale. The customer walks away as the iPad automatically updates your books, adjusts inventory and emails a digital copy of the receipt to the iPrinter on the customer’s hip, which prints a hard copy as the customer walks out the door.

Taking a much needed break, you reply to an email from mom. “Siri, please tell mom I love her. And I’ll be by over to see her by 7pm. Send. Reserve the shuffleboard table for us at the rest home.”

Meanwhile, Siri has some other news. It’s time for your daughter’s recital. You swipe over to Face Time and catch her performance live. Using location services your friend in the audience receives an alert on their iPhone asking them to give your daughter a hug. And you unload 5,000 shares of Microsoft stock and move them to your IRA.

Profits are up, you used your time effectively, and you’ve keep in close touch with your family. It’s all just in a day’s work for you, the American Small Business Owner, and the shiny iPad…

Or is it? Click the jump to read the rest of the story.

The lock screen feature that Apple forgot

Mobile computing. It’s the longtime vision of Steve Jobs and Apple that computing devices will go with us and become increasingly integrated into all of our daily life activities. We now stand upon that precipice about to take the next step into a reality the world has ever seen.

And yet, they overlooked something. Something so simple I’m literally stunned that Apple forgot.