What are you working for?

C: Hey, Hyppo. What’s with that “$1″ text floating about your head?

H: That? Pay it no mind. That’s just my retirement number.

C: Retirement number?

H: Yeah. It’s like a goal. It represents the amount of money I’ll need to comfortably maintain the lifestyle I want after I retire.

C: And it’s only one dollar?

H: Think that’s too high? I’m trying to keep it real. I’ve got 12 cents in my pocket. Only 88 more cents to go!

C: Good god, man! What’s your plan? You gotta have a plan!

H: It’ll involve a lot of recycling and reuse. And curbs. And a shopping cart. I have my dreams.

—

What are you working for? Sustenance or subsistence? The next weekend? A paycheck on Friday? Enough money to get your wife and/or husband that fancy dress in the store window? Just trying to hold on to the end of the current shift? Or do you have bigger fish to fry?

I have two pensions. I worked at a company 16 years. I started at the bottom and worked my way up. The first 11 years as an employee and then five years as a member of management. That’s 11 years in a union and five years as a company man.

There was a grand tradition at the company. The owner was a legacy and the company grew as it was passed down from generation to generation. Finally it was owned by the Old Man. He liked to pork his secretary. So he married her and then died. It was a bit of a promotion for her. She become the owner of the company. She retired and passed it down to her adopted son who was a bit off kilter and not quite right in the head.

He was also, for a time, on the Forbes 400 list of richest Americans.

Soon after he sold out to the foreign investors. The end of the company’s legacy and tradition. I’m sure the Old Man’s father would be so proud.

Meanwhile the company was subjected to remarkable shrinkage. And that guy on the Forbes list? He croaked while driving his $2 million car.

In another part of the galaxy, a guru was wondering about his financial future. He had no savings and social security was under siege from all sides. What if, he thought, both of those aren’t there when I need them? The legendary promise of a three-legged stool seemed more like a pogo stick. Then he remembered. His pensions!

He called his union. Yep, the pension was good. They’d send him a statement and even had his current address. Nice.

He tried to call his former company. Oops. Problem. He couldn’t find any place to call. Finally he located a phone number on the internet but it turned out to be some poor sap’s personal cell phone. It must suck to have that phone number. So far he’s been unable to find any trace of his company pension.

For those keeping score:

Union: 1
Company: 0

The guru rested easy. All was right with the world. He had half a pogo stick and some stranger out in the world was most likely enjoying his swimming pool.

Moved

“You’ve got a keen eye, my man. This baby is hot.”

The salesman had seemingly materialized out of thin air. Suddenly he was saddled up and comfy cozy with the customer, on his elbow, and so shoulder-to-shoulder they were actually touching. The customer, in awe of a shiny object, missed the intrusion, and in so doing, a tiny layer of self-protection had been peeled back inside his brain.

“Nothing else can touch her,” the salesman boasted in a silky-smooth voice. Suddenly the object was personified with a female pronoun. We’re all just friends here and getting friendlier every moment. Desire in the customer imperceptibly kicked up another gear.

“Bluetooth ready with seamless integration for all of your devices. Phone, calendar, and email, of course. But also Twitter, Facebook, Pinterest, and our latest innovation: hands-free texting. She generates her own wifi hotspots, too.”

Steubenville

Some facts about the City of Steubenville, Ohio.

Population: 18,440 people (est. 2011) on an area 10.63 square miles in size.

Politics: Democratic. There are an estimated six Democrats for every Republican in Steubenville. There is also an “above average” rate of registered Independents.

Dean Martin, the famous singer, actor and comedian, grew up in Steubenville. So did Traci Lords, notable for making her first pornographic video at the age of 16.

All facts above courtesy of Wikipedia’s Steubenville page.

I was pleasantly surprised and gratified when the guilty verdicts came down in the Steubenville rape case. The convicted rapists got off easy, however, in light of the fact the judge used his discretionary powers to not have them tried as adults.

A google search for the phrase “Steubenville divided” turns up some disturbing results. Essentially some folks in Steubenville defended the accused, two members of the high school football team both aged 16, for being “unfairly and too quickly accused” in the words of a CNN reporter.

Morning

A rare shot of my hand. I bet this was taken in the morning.

When I was younger I had a supervisor who was fairly cool. I thought I remembered him pretty well but I just tried to recall things about him and came up with a pitiful total of three factoids.

1. His first and last name.
2. He was a heavy smoker, drank craploads of coffee, and was a close-talker. M-O-O-N. That spells “bad breath,” laws, yes! I imagine it was what the world of the DOOM video game smelled like. That breath would stop a Mack truck. But that’s another story.
3. He would never say, “Good morning.”

I’m a little sad that’s all I can remember about him. He was a pretty good guy. But, to this day, to honor him, I never say “Good morning,” either.

If you’re around when I stroll into work, a few things are certain. Well, perhaps “stroll” is too strong of a word. It’s more like Dead Man Walking. It goes without saying that the last hour of my life has not been pleasant, unless one enjoys running around like a chicken with its head cut off. I’m also running a few minutes late, I’m likely hella pissed from bullshit that happened to me on the three-mile commute, I just realized I forgot my lunch at home, and there may be a little foam and spittle.

I may even be clutching my chest and veering to the left.

It is, I think, decidedly the wrong moment to turn to me and cheerfully say, “Good morning!”

A Little Privacy Please

Focker!!!

Tom Cruise was once in a wacky little movie called Minority Report. I distinctly remember a scene where he strolls through a mall and the shops fling pitches at him … using his name. Creepy! Apparently the stores were able to scan his retina, retrieve his preferences and so forth, and all literally in the blink of an eye with time to tailor a persusion attempt tailored just for him.

“Psst. Tommy boy! Over here, over here! Listen, between you and me, we both know you read Fifty Cups of Earl Grey. Come on, man. There’s no sense in denying it. If that’s the way you roll, come on in! Don’t worry, we’ll keep it on the D-L. Check out this new all-leather KitchenAid Mixer complete with eye-bolts and D-ring snap ons, if you know what I mean.”

I don’t know about you but that kind of technology scares the shit out of me.

“Psst. Tom!! Over here. Did you know it has been over six months since your last purchase of Depends Brand Incontinence Products? It’s way past time for refill, buddy!!!”

Oh shit.

Chained Melody: Proletariat Steak

Please click the image to visit the artist’s website. Source: Ted Rall’s Rallblog.

Fixing Social Security in a Fair Way

Image source: Punch Debt in the Face

Yes, yes! To Guru-San you listen. The debt! Remember your failure with the debt!

So yeah, I’ve got the solution that fixes Social Security. The whole thing. Once and for all. The big enchilada. And it does it in a fair way, too.

To those with 10% approval ratings I say, “Stop fiddle-farting around and pass my legislation. Stat!”

Allow me to introduce the Frozen Unilaterally Contributions Kablooey Act of 2013.