It’s that time of year again. Tis the season to lace up your boots, grab your weapon of choice and go hunt down people who don’t share the same opinions as you.
Ho, ho, ho, motherfucker!
I feel more jolly already.
Posts Tagged ‘holidays’
Front Lines of Christmas
Posted: December 4, 2012 in failTags: bayonet, chicken, christmas, culture, fox, free, freedom, gay, gullet, happy, hell, holiday, holidays, holy, humanism, hypocrisy, kill, opinions, pizza, religion, rights, rocket, santa, season, speech, values, war
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Christmas Attacks to You #SeasonsGreetings
Posted: December 24, 2011 in failTags: boss, card, christmas, greetings, happy, holidays, job, productivity, seasons, sentiment, smiles, sucks, threat, work
I really look up to my wife. She hates her job every bit as much as I hate mine, although, perhaps, for not exactly all the same reasons. To each their own! Vive la difference!
Hell, sometimes she even makes me feel like a negativity neophyte. Yes, she’s that good and I love her for it.
I made her company famous in a previous post about how they turned Christmas dinner into an H.R. event by making employees roll dice to determine where they would sit. You thought this was Christmas dinner? Nope. It’s a team building exercise!
So far in 2011 there have been layoffs, employees were told there would be no Christmas bonus, and management is forcing employees to use extra vacation days before the end of the year. My wife’s coworker was saving her days, in accordance with company policy, for a trip next year. Now that’s all screwed up. The scuttlebutt is that management wants fewer vacation days on the books so there will be less payouts during the next round of layoffs.
Recently my wife was summoned by the department head. She was informed that she was the worst “smiler” in the workplace and that she needed to improve on her smiling. The “or else” was implied.
The facts are clear. A computer report that tracks productivity in the department shows my wife at the top of the list. The best smiler in the department? She’s dead last.
The intimated threat to my wife: Do a better job at smiling or we’ll keep the most unproductive employee ahead of you. Smile more or you’re the next to go.
Believe it or not, she was actually called in for a meeting about this. Amazing, I know.
Then this same boss gives my wife a little Christmas card. It contained a $5 coupon to a coffee house and a personal note that said, “I hope this makes you smile.”
Wow!
Using a Christmas card to deliver a shitty boss message like that? You gotta admire a subtly handcrafted and executed implied threat delivered with such festive deftness. I’m in awe.
Great Moments in Employment History: Christmas Cheer!
Posted: December 23, 2011 in fail, feckless fridayTags: bonus, boss, business, chicken, christmas, deed, employee, festive, good, greed, holidays, job, king, money, owner, season, sleigh, sucks, unpunished, widgets, wings, wonderful, work
This is another piece in our ongoing series, Great Moments in Employment History. These are true stories from your guru’s personal resume. We hope you enjoy.
It was Christmastime not quite 10 years ago. I had left the big city and the rat race for the quiet life in Small Town, USA. On Sept. 11, 2001, I accepted my first job offer in my new digs. It was the inauspicious beginning to the final chapter of my so-called life or what I like to call “The Decade of Despair,” a fitting exclamation point on a moderately successful career. (Yes, I used to be somebody.)
My new position was appropriate to my new home town. To put it inelegantly, my actual job title was as mythical as a unicorn farting out rainbows. My job was “whore.” (Which I define as doing what you hate for money.)
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Another Christmas Card just for YOU #SeasonsGreetings
Posted: December 22, 2011 in failTags: card, christmas, greetings, happy, holidays, seasons, sentiment
To me, there is one thing I really want to be reminded of during the brief moment of enjoyment known as reading a Christmas card.
Yes, you got it. “Difficult times.” No Christmas card is complete without that sentiment.
The Guru of Negativity tips his hat in awe, appreciation and respect to the author of this jolly piece of virginal snow. Those are some massive jingle bells.
The multitasking of wishing seasons greetings while reminding me of this shitty year is a holiday win-win. Even Santa himself couldn’t delivery a better Christmas gift. It’s perfect. I always wanted my heart on a plate.
Ho ho ho…
Merry Christmas from the Abyss
Posted: December 14, 2011 in greeting cards, humorTags: abyssmas, card, christmas, greeting card, greetings, happy, holidays, merry, mysterious, wishes
