Tell Me Where To Go

One thing I’ve learned about major life stressors is I’m normally not even aware they exist. But it’s comforting to know that sooner or late your body will get around to being informative about it.

“Hey up there, brain!” the body likes to say. “You fucking idiot. Check it out. Shit is happening all over this place. Wake up!”

Well played, body. Well played. Subtle as always.

What are major life stressors? I think they fall into two major categories.

1. Things You Do Not Want
2. Things You Asked For

I’m not sure which category is worse.

This week I changed jobs. (More details on that coming soon.) My wife has also put in her notice to resign her position. We’re moving out of our house of four years and leaving the small town for the big city. As of Sunday I got rid of my car. Christmas exists.

These are all stressors. I know because I looked them up.

Misery: It’s What’s For Dinner

Tonight is the office Christmas “party.”

Never in my career is (sic) a “writer” have six little words ever said so much. It is now my humble task to try to use my wordcraft to evoke a feeling within you, to make you know what it is that I feel. I want you to taste my heart.

The word of the day is misery.

A Tail of Two Kitties

The kitties had a rough Holiday season. Our guests came with three dogs and the cats responded by spending five days under the bed in the master bedroom. The also held a certification vote, joined the Teamsters union, and presented me with a list of demands. My home is now a union shop.

Here’s a few shots I surreptitiously purloined with my iPad.

The cats would sometimes cuddle in solidarity.

A Very Abyss Christmas Conundrum

This is a momentous occasion. It’s that festive time of the year when, by officious assertion, I issue ex cathedra Seasons Greetings Message O’ The Abyss.

This post contains a conundrum, too. Can you deduce what it is? Keeping reading for a hint.

In our grandest traditions I say unto you, “Merry Christmas!” I attend a ceremony on the yard of the Abyss House where I pardon a grown baby who has unsucceeded to empty nest aka Rodentia of Extraordinary Size. (Yes, “empty nest” can be a verb.) In the name of diversity there are Festivus activities for The Airing of Grievances and Feats of Strength. A round beam is even erected on the courthouse grounds accompanied by a dish of spaghetti.

And, of course, there is the authorized and sanctioned Negativity Scene. (I’m crèching your heads!)

It is Christmastime in the Abyss!

The bigger question, though, is this: Can you identify what is askew about this post?

BlogFestivus – The Recap

BlogFestivus 2012 is now officially in the history books!

I’d like to thank our illustrious leader, Blogdramedy, for coming up with this fantastic idea! Now we drink. There’s rum in the eggnog, right? And raw eggs?

God bless us every one!

Like Santa on steroids I will be coming around to visit all BlogFestivus participants and share my special kind of love, but I can’t promise I’ll do it all in one night. I’m looking forward to reading all nine reindeer stories from every single person who played along.

This year’s BlogFestivus was a smashing success. My blog felt the love and I met a lot of wonderful people.

I’ve had very little time of late, but I was able to visit some of you and I liked what I saw. Good stuff! If you missed BlogFestivus, I highly recommend taking a look. In our household we also plan to engage in more traditional Festivus activities such as “The Airing of Grievances” and “Feats of Strength.”

BlogFestivus – Day Nine: And to all a good night!

And to all a good night!
by Tom B. Taker

Just off a frantic Buenos Aires street was a small avenue no one ever noticed. It was the dog days of summer and heat was rising up from the asphalt. Along the avenue was a café where a reindeer named Rudolph sat alone at a corner table. A straw fedora was pulled low and obscured his face. He was sipping a mojito. The day’s edition of La Nación was folded across his lap.

On the table was a can of Barbasol shaving cream. No one seemed to think that was odd.

BlogFestivus – Day Eight: The Reindeer Before Easter

The Reindeer Before Easter
by Tom B. Taker

Blixem was melancholy. Another winter and it was the same old thing. A whole year of preparing for one crazy night. He was in a rut deep enough to hang Christmas stockings. He wandered aimlessly away from Christmas Town followed by his pet, Hooman.

He trudged all night without purpose through the snow until he found himself in a forest. Then, at dawn, he stumbled into a strange grove of trees. They were arranged in a circle and each contained a door with a mysterious symbol.

“What’s this?” Blixen said. “It’s someplace new!”