The French Predilection

This post is dedicated to a friend of a friend. You know who you are…

Team America is about to unload a can of whoop-ass-sized Freedom Fries ™ on your Roquefort. Yeeeeeeee-haw!

U.S. CEO Blasts French Work Habits
–A frothy headline from the “We Hate Obama’s Guts” edition of the Wall Street Journal

Can I re-write the headline?

U.S. Money Eater Blasts Cheese Eaters, Claims Currency Is ‘Ten Times More Delicious’ Than Fromage
–The Daily Abyssian Union Picayune Herald Register Times Tribune Weekly

Roquefort is under attack. Roquefort will be defended!!!

It all started when the CEO of a U.S. tire manufacturer published a letter in a French newspaper criticizing the work habits of French workers and, responding to the notion of buying a former Goodyear tire plant, stating: “How stupid do you think we are?”

To be honest, I’d happily respond to that question but I doubt he’d be able to understand the answer. Héh héh héh héh héh!!!

Sexism? Yahoo!

Yesterday, during my exclusive coverage of the Yahoo baby flap, I neglected to cover a key point. So exclusive team coverage continues today. Besides, most of you didn’t even notice I posted. Perhaps if I cover the same topic two days in a row I’ll have a shot.

This week, Yahoo announced the selection of their new CEO. Marissa Mayer, a long-time Yahoo employee, takes over with a compensation package that will reportedly pay her more than $100 million over five years based on performance.

Marissa takes over as CEO of the troubled company and fills the position vacated recently by former Yahoo CEO Scott Thompson. In January 2012 Thompson became the CEO. By May 2012, Thompson was shown the door after questions were raised about discrepancies on the resume he provided. On the resume was a computer degree that Thompson did not actually have.

In other words, he lied. Or in modern parlance, he “padded his resume.” Or, for the cutsey among you, “resume malfunction.”

The reaction from Wall Street was interesting.

Yahoo CEO has a baby, Wall Street has kittens

Wall Street Kitten says, “WTF? LOLZ!”

New Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer is pregnant. Cue the Star Wars Empire Strikes Back music.

“I am your mommy.”

“Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

For once the mainstream media gets it right with a finessed balance of coverage. I just culled these headlines, at random, from Google News. In the urn, this is the cream that rose to the top. I did not go digging or cherry pick these headlines.

• Who Has It Easier, a Pregnant CEO or a Pregnant Maid?
• Marissa Mayer hinted at what she’ll do at Yahoo — in 2010
• She’s Feeling Lucky
• Forbes writer to Mayer: You can’t have it all
• Pregnant Yahoo CEO ignites maternity debate

And last, but certainly not least:

The Pregnant CEO: Should You Hate Marissa Mayer?

It almost is enough to make one wonder, “Holy fucking shit? What the hell just happened here?”

Yahoo!!!!!!

Q. What’s more fun than a barrel of monkeys and the Hewlett-Packard board of directors combined?

A. I don’t know, but former Yahoo! CEO Scott Thompson gives it the old college try (heh!) and comes very close.

In case you don’t know how to use search engines and/or you’ve been living under a rock, here’s the story in a nutshell. The details may shock you. This exposé will pull back the curtain and expose the disturbing realities of human behavior. Like lifting that rock up and out of the soil, the potato bugs and grubs are about to scatter.

There once was a man who wanted a job. And on that man there was a resumé. And on that resumé there was a lie. And on that lie there was a flea. (Oops. I went one too far.)

Yes, this is the age-old story of the American dream, because, yes, that man got the job. He was a bootstrapper who set his sights on the prime time. He pulled the trigger and got er’ done. Do or do not. There is no try. Bring home the bacon and fry it in a pan.

Hyppo and Critter: I’m the CEO, yahoo!!!

A couple of weeks ago Yahoo! got a new CEO. He can earn up to $26 million in 2012 in cash, stock and bonuses.

This is an FYI: I’m available to do the job for less. Ah, shit. I can probably take as little at $500k and fuck the stock options and bonuses. I bring a wide array of skills to the table and I work lean and mean.

And I can use words like: synergy, win-win, “I got this,” blazin’, meggy, modernization, crowdsourcing, “low-hanging fruit” and social media. Oh, also: array and “lean and mean.”

I also have lots of ideas. Here’s a freebie to give you a wee taste: Don’t spend $26 million a year on a new hire.

Yahoo!, I await. Have your people call my people and we’ll do lunch.

Apple gets Cook’d

Holy shit. White is thin.

This week there was an Apple “launch event” with new CEO Tim Cook at the helm. Weather conditions were perfect and the launch went off without a hitch. The iPhone 4S is now safely in orbit at 347 miles above the surface of the Earth and traveling at a speed of 25,000 feet per second.

The iPhone must already be running HangTime, the best iPhone app ever made. Bar none.

Commander Tim Cook went solo on this mission and the world was ready to eviscerate his bowels based on the fact (not speculation) that he isn’t Steve Jobs.

So, aside from his product safely achieving low Earth orbit – how did it go?

The boss goes round and round

Circular logic - Which one is the boss?

Another quickie post because actual work is intruding on my day.

Here’s a little taste of circular logic courtesy of the boss.

Step 1 – Boss provides training on something and says, “Always do this in sequence: C, B, then A.” You feel this is a little bass ackwards but what the hell, the boss says so.

Step 2 – You follow the boss’ training for months.

Step 3 – A hairy situation develops from where you properly employed steps C, B, and A in sequence.

Step 4 – Flying fecal matter hits the spinning blades.

Step 5 – Questions are raised and fingers are pointed. “Just who in the hell did C, B, and A and what in the hell were they thinking?”

Step 6 – The CEO gets involved and agrees with you that it shouldn’t be CBA. It should be ABC. He directs you to write an email and notify all employees that things must be ABC.

Step 7 – Boss replies company-wide to the email (including the CEO of course) and says, “But of course. That’s the way I always do it. Nothing else makes sense.” Remember, this is the same boss that trained everyone to do CBA.

Step 8 – The employee who did CBA and caused the hubbub feels a little irritable. (Slight understatement here.)

M-O-O-N, that spells “bullshit,” laws yes. And I just love watching the M-O-O-N around here. Truly. I can’t believe I get paid to watch this shit.

Oops! The crack of the whip just licked my back. Time to go. Will write more laters. XOXOXO!