Ch-ch-ch-changes

Keep the change, ya filthy animal.

Change of Address

I live on the surface of a rotating planetoid. The speed of rotation is approx. 1,000 miles per hour.

Meanwhile, the planet itself is moving about 67,000 miles per hour around the sun.

The sun is the center of our solar system, which is also moving around the center of our galaxy at approx. 490,000 miles per hour.

The galaxy is moving towards something called the Great Attractor, appox. 150 million light years away, at a rate of 1,000 kilometers per second.

In other words, I just want it to be known my physical location on this planetoid is changing by about 2.5 degrees of latitude. That’s a lot!

Moving Paradoxes

A pending move means boxes. Packing lots and lots of boxes.

The more you pack the more exhausted you get.

The more exhausted you get the more you require peaceful, restful sleep.

The more you require sleep the more the more you lie in bed with your eyes open.

Can’t sleep. Might as well get up and pack some more boxes and make myself more tired.

Save The Future Date

The year is 2008. You’ve just joined the ranks of hardy souls dotted across the great American fruited plain who are known as entrepreneurs. You go out buy a van for your youngling business and emblazon your stupid company name in colorful graphics on the side. And then, because you want to project an image of stability, you add a little something extra.

“Since 1963.”

Not bad. You’re only lying by 45 years. That’s especially impressive since you haven’t even lived on the planet that long. You don’t need to tell the truth. You’re a small business owner! Actual patience and hard work is for idiots. You earn your money the new-fashioned way.

If you’re going to lie, why play small ball? Go so big and audacious that it’ll never occur to anyone to question the lie. It’s like you’re Darth Vader, your company is the Empire, and the lie is your own personal Death Star. “We’ll blow your wallet up.”

By the way, this is exactly one of the plot points in the movie Sunshine Cleaning. Look it up. I never forget a lie.

In fact, I was so taken by that lie, I decided to get in on that action myself. Check it out.

We are proud to introduce…

Abyss Inc., Corporation, LLC
Since 2042

“Home of the World’s Best Guru.”

You can trust us. We’re only hiding behind at least three different forms of legal constructs. And a handshake.

Oh, shit. I might be doing it wrong. I guess if one is going to lie about the year one should understand the nature of the timeline. Maybe I should have tried 2013. B.C. Before Corporations. The B.C. could be in the fine print. A font size of -12 picas should do it.

Next up: Advertising. And I intend to ape the very, very best. Fast food.

Recycling Recharge #photography

For eight years we’ve tried not to obtain any AA batteries. Instead we got a fancy charger and four sets of batteries to feed (in an eco-friendly way) our power-hungry cameras. Otherwise I wouldn’t be able to take masterpiece photographs like the one featured in this very post.

Even so, occasionally we’d fail and still somehow end up buying those piece of shit single-use AAs. I couldn’t bring myself to toss them in the trash so I stuck ‘em in a jar on the shelf. The thought of my used up batteries leeching chemicals into the Earth thousands of years after I was gone just didn’t sit right with me.

Over time the collection slowly grew. I tried to put it out of my mind. No place local would take them. I had no clue what to do.

Present Day

Moving day looms large. It’s only three days until I’m supposed to fill that truck. Meanwhile, what to do with my rotting collection of AA carcasses? My choices seem obvious. Pack them and haul them to the new house (even more dead weight up used up possessions) or give up and throw them in the garbage because my body is destroyed from packing and I have no fight left in me.

I guess I could throw them in a fire and roast hotdogs and marshmallows on them. Seems a fitting end. For both of us.

Sometimes the path of giving up and giving in can lead to the ultimate liberation. I should know. I have plenty of experience with both.

Ah, shit. I don’t have the guts to toss ‘em in the landfill. I guess they’ll make a nice paperweight in my new office. Till death do us part! Maybe I can be buried with them. “Here lies Tom B. Taker. He’s all charged up about it.”

[More] Tales of the Webmaster

Let’s start with a little webmaster joke. I apologize, but this joke relies on some complicated insider industry jargon. Maybe some of my fellow webmasters will get the humor. The rest of you might miss it.

Q. Why did the webmaster throw in the towel?

A. Clients exist!

Now we move on to the following creepy tales of horror. These are true stories that actually happened. You have been warned.

We need more guns in bars

Reblogged from Shouts from the Abyss:

I can just imagine it.

The legislator leaned back in his chair, taking a much needed break from porking energy industry "lobbyists" and exclaimed, "what a good job I've  been doing" and wondered, "what's the next problem that needs fixin'."

"I know," he exclaimed. "We need more guns in bars. That is what I'll work on next."

That's sort of what happened in Arizona recently when a…

Read more… 173 more words

Who knew I was laying down the pith as far back as October 2009? Wow. So yeah, there was a shooting in New York City, a place with strict gun control laws. Cue all the people on Facebook and such kneejerking that it's "proof" that gun control is bad. Hey, that's in depth analysis of the facts! This post originally addressed guns in Arizona bars but I'm dusting it off in honor of whackality. Now with more audio goodness! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OGO5okcUDBM

NSA Mining Phone Records? Well, Duh.

Reblogged from Robert McGrath's Blog:

A quick post about this week’s flap about electronic spying.  (Stay tuned for a review of Jaron Lanier's new book, which is quite interesting in this context, as well.)

First—most of the information is deeply secret, so we really don’t know anything.

Second—the guys holding the secrets are very good at keeping secrets and at manipulating public opinion.  Some “leaks” are deliberate misinformation, the best misinformation is plausible and partly true.

Read more… 898 more words

A very thought provoking post that makes some excellent points.

Tales of the Webmaster

The following story is true. Only the brains have been lamed to protect the insolent.—
Tom B. Taker (@shoutabyss) June 07, 2013

Let’s start with an exceedingly simple logic proof:

• Hell is other people.
• Clients are people.
• Clients are Hell.

Now we move on to the following creepy tales of horror. These are true stories that actually happened. You have been warned.