A recap of Day 5 action including tribe ZeitGuru’s first reward challenge.
Only one person in the tribe? At last a team I can get down with.
After five days of living on absolutely nothing but water, plain beans, rice, coconut, banana, pineapple and kiwi, I was really looking forward to my first reward challenge.
What would be the reward? Perhaps salt? Oh yeah, that would rock my world. Coffee or tea? Even without sugar that would turn my entire existence upside down.
It’s only been five days.
Whatever the reward, I knew getting it wouldn’t be easy. My wife as Survivor Host, the Probst with the Most, would surely be out to get me. She doesn’t mess around.
On that score, at least, I would not be disappointed.
Back on Day 1 my wife had given me a “torch” which represents my life in the game. She had also given me materials and ordered me to make a tribe flag. Personally I think the power has gone to her head and she’s taking this all a bit too seriously.
The tribe flag is a skull (representing me) with eye sockets of blood. A lightning bolt, which represents our official game host, shockingly divides the skull in two. Crossbones complete the ensemble because, hell, this is Abyss Island, matey. I’m telling you all this so you’ll know at least as much thought went into my tribe’s flag as the Google logo. Maybe after these 39 days are over I’ll have a career in logo design. Obviously I’m a natural.
Also on Day 1 was the first (and last) coconut of my life. In true MacGyver style I opened it using only a hammer. Then I tasted raw coconut. Uh, we have a problem here. Is that what this is supposed to taste like or is this piece of shit from Walmart bad? Unable to know the difference, I put the kibosh on the coconuts. So long, see ya, wouldn’t want to be ya. I got nothin’ for ya.
After an interminable wait it was finally Wednesday night, Day 5, and I was more than ready for the reward challenge. I had big dreams of earning something that would spice up my meals. Perhaps some salt? That would rock. Or even a spice kit? Or maybe coffee? I can dream, can’t I?
I rolled into the reward challenge wearing my buff and the host was waiting for me. Laid out before me was a deck of playing cards and a ruler sticking 12″ up in the air. Uh oh. This did not bode well.
Wife Host explained I had six minutes to build a house of cards at least 12″ tall. The reward? A fishing net which I could put into the sink before meal time. My wife explained that when I did this there would be a chance of catching something, like a fish, clam or shrimp. “Worth playing for?” she asked.
She put six minutes on the clock and the challenge was on. I think I knew in the first 10 seconds I was doomed. It was truly a shining moment for my negativity. I may be on a Survivor challenge but that doesn’t mean I have forgotten my true nature.
At first I actually made a good faith effort to complete the challenge. I was steady as a rock as I worked the cards, my wife supplying an uninterrupted stream of Probst-like inane comments to try to throw me off my game. It was very apparent, though, that something was amiss. The cards seemed slippery and they refused to behave. I could get a base of four cards built but anything on the second level, still far short of the goal, resulted in disaster.
“That’s it then?” my wife asked. “You’re giving up?”
“Yep. This ain’t happening.”
The challenge was called with 1:30 still left on the clock. No one quits in Survivor. They fight to the end no matter what. Well, I am that no one! I think I mentioned something about my grandmother passing away in an attempt to score sympathy but it was to no avail. The Guru Fairplay gambit failed just like my attempts at the challenge.
My wife, laughing at me, repeatedly called my efforts “pathetic” then announced there would be no reward, no tantalizing prospects of seafood to keep me going.
I think in my confessional I may have said something derogatory about her. I sure hope they don’t use that clip, but they probably will. I already feel like the producers are out to get me and I’m going to be this season’s villain.
“I got nothing for you,” she announced dramatically. “Head back to camp.”
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