Shot with the tranquilizer gun so I could brush its teeth, here we examine all of my tweets from Thursday of this week, archived here for your refusal. Beyond here there be dragons. And cheesecake. But don’t try to eat it. Its probably got poop on it.
Breaking News: Two courteous people met today and destroyed the space-time continuum. Welcome to your new parallel universe. #rare #string—
Tom B. Taker (@shoutabyss) August 09, 2012
I'm canceling my Facebook account so I'll look more "suspicious."—
Tom B. Taker (@shoutabyss) August 09, 2012
Never bad mouth a previous employer. No one wants to hire someone who is not a mindless lemming automaton obliviot. #career #advice—
Tom B. Taker (@shoutabyss) August 09, 2012
Boss tried to make love to his wife but it didn't work out so he submitted a help ticket, his answer to all problems. #AwaitingResponse—
Tom B. Taker (@shoutabyss) August 09, 2012
All the technology in the world and they still haven't figured out how to make the volume level consistent. #iTang #fail—
Tom B. Taker (@shoutabyss) August 09, 2012
I'm glad my mother wasn't a bird. Feeding time would suck.—
Tom B. Taker (@shoutabyss) August 09, 2012
I'm still waiting for the rumble event at the Brighton downtown community center. #Olympics #straycats—
Tom B. Taker (@shoutabyss) August 09, 2012
I drove through town or, put another way, swam through the disgusting scent of 42 human beings and their spore. #unclean—
Tom B. Taker (@shoutabyss) August 09, 2012
You can only polish a turd so many times before it begins to lose its luster.—
Tom B. Taker (@shoutabyss) August 09, 2012
The spelling bee stunged me.—
Tom B. Taker (@shoutabyss) August 09, 2012
The tomb sneered in my face. "You haven't got the stones, you piece of still-living flesh.—
Tom B. Taker (@shoutabyss) August 09, 2012
It's true. Not ALL of my tweets are universally adored.—
Tom B. Taker (@shoutabyss) August 09, 2012
When it comes to the sound of his own voice the boss can be a fantastic lover.—
Tom B. Taker (@shoutabyss) August 09, 2012
I'm like a termite. Let me loose in your house and I'll systematically eat wood until I bring you and your roof down.—
Tom B. Taker (@shoutabyss) August 09, 2012
My body is in the mood to reject organs so I'm heading to the cathedral.—
Tom B. Taker (@shoutabyss) August 09, 2012
Bottom line? You are correct. But the line above? You are a flaming douchebag asshole. I thought you should know that. #cow #orker—
Tom B. Taker (@shoutabyss) August 09, 2012
I live in a new subdivision so naturally you have to pass by four dead trees on the way to my house. #developer #landscaping #fail—
Tom B. Taker (@shoutabyss) August 09, 2012
My day is shit and you are the anus. In other news I still haven't hired anyone to write my tweets. #raw #sewage—
Tom B. Taker (@shoutabyss) August 09, 2012
Sometimes life gives you a choice. Push your way through rubbing your belly on another human being or saying, "Excuse me." #boss #behaviors—
Tom B. Taker (@shoutabyss) August 09, 2012
Every time coworker makes a mistake boss says, "Add that to the list." Wow, that is so motivating and helpful. Document your own demise.—
Tom B. Taker (@shoutabyss) August 09, 2012
You had me at Hell. Oh!—
Tom B. Taker (@shoutabyss) August 09, 2012
An eagle scared me and I pooped myself. I guess you could say there's A New Skid In Town. #underwear—
Tom B. Taker (@shoutabyss) August 09, 2012
If you fail to catch my error that makes it your fault. Prepare to look up at bus.—
Tom B. Taker (@shoutabyss) August 09, 2012
My boss just used the word "pop" in a context that had absolutely nothing to do with carbonated beverages. #TotallyUncool—
Tom B. Taker (@shoutabyss) August 09, 2012
This river is a natural wonder. Should "big government" protect it from commercial interests? Dunno. Why not just take a shit on my face?—
Tom B. Taker (@shoutabyss) August 09, 2012
Boss: I want cheapest web hosting. Me: Not recommended. Boss: Do it! / Later: Our site loads too slow!!! Whaaa!!! #whambulance—
Tom B. Taker (@shoutabyss) August 09, 2012
I bleed around the boss because he pricks me.—
Tom B. Taker (@shoutabyss) August 09, 2012
Cuz if you get in my way, don't you get in my way, cuz if you get in my way, watch out! You're just road kill. SPLAT! wp.me/pEeNn-3fs—
Tom B. Taker (@shoutabyss) August 09, 2012
Gonna Hitch a Pride wp.me/pEeNn-3fs—
Tom B. Taker (@shoutabyss) August 09, 2012
When someone tells me about some hair-raising experience I always enjoy asking them, "How did it turn out? Did you live?"—
Tom B. Taker (@shoutabyss) August 09, 2012
Well I've got a gal, she's as cute and she can be. She's a distant cousin but she's not too distant with me. youtube.com/watch?v=QIsp5q…—
Tom B. Taker (@shoutabyss) August 09, 2012
RT @CrackYouWhip: CRACK YOU WHIP: Swipe My BMW Please crackyouwhip.blogspot.com/2012/08/swipe-…—
Tom B. Taker (@shoutabyss) August 09, 2012
The heroin in my #novel is a genuinely good person. I don't think it'll be believable to have her shooting up the place in the last chapter.—
Tom B. Taker (@shoutabyss) August 09, 2012
RT @TheMadGayMan: If this were Reddit @shoutabyss you'd get an upvote sir.—
Tom B. Taker (@shoutabyss) August 09, 2012
Were the cheesecakes round? Because square is more hip. @TheMadGayMan—
Tom B. Taker (@shoutabyss) August 09, 2012
It always amuses me hearing @McDonalds food described as "prizes." That's like an IRS audit being called a "valentine."—
Tom B. Taker (@shoutabyss) August 09, 2012
The Bourne Legolas: Yes, he was there in Middle Earth, too. See Jason play with his elves. #treadstone—
Tom B. Taker (@shoutabyss) August 09, 2012
A study released yesterday found that men who are "stressed" prefer "heavier" women. I found the news too upsetting to read.—
Tom B. Taker (@shoutabyss) August 09, 2012
Those of you who read this far have earned a “Participant” ribbon. Well done! Jolly good! Cheerio! Happy Olympics! Off you go now!
