Coffee is made in the morning. At least it is in my house you friggin’ crazy idiots. And, being morning and all, we’re not exactly playing our best game. Not quite using all of ye olde “bean,” if you get my drift.
So here are ten early morning coffee mistakes that are common in the Taker household.
10. Using tap water. This water was drawn from the river. The same river where cities upstream pump out drinking water, too. Then run it through a sewer treatment plant. Then pump it back into the same river. They said that astronauts may have to do this someday. We already do! Enough said.
9. Forgetting to grind beans. Whole bean coffee results in an “earthier” taste but weaker brew.
8. Hitting the start button when the unit has been left on sleep mode. You come back in 30 minutes to find that jack shit has been brewed. Fail.
7. Oil Imbalance. What the fuck? This is clearly not a problem for me.
6. Lack of Sharing. Forget to offer the spouse a cup? It’s going to be a long, long day.
5. Civet Litter. Failure to properly and promptly clean the litter box for your Asian Palm Civet. Or trying the same thing with your domesticated house cat.
4. Scoop Scrimping. This is no time to pinch pennies, you bastard. (I’m talking to myself.) This maneuver is called “Save a Scoop.”
3. Forgetting to clean the pot. Extra flavor. Robust. Also known as “Taker House Blend.”
2. Forgetting the coffee. Also known as making weird hot water. How about a lovely spot of tea with that fuck-it-crumpet?
1. Forgetting the water. I love the smell of burnt coffee machine in the morning.
0. Pre-Ground coffee. How gauche! Just how bad do you need this drug flowing through your veins, anyway? Put some back into your cup. And no fancy electric grinder, either! Only a hand-grind makes a truly sophisticated cup.
-1. Over-drinking. There’s nothing like the full-body seizure after that 12th cup of Joe.
-2. Calling coffee “Joe.” Or using any other common and innumerable puns that will result in certain death. Or calling sizes anything other than small, medium and large.
Now go enjoy a cup. If you can.