This is awkward, but if you really want this job, this is the part where you give me your Facebook password. Then I’ll masturbate while I read your stuff. If that goes well then you’re hired.
Ah, June. Who gives a shit?
Seems like only last month it was all about mom. Now she’s just a memory. See ya in another 11 months. We gotta move these refridgerators. We gotta move these colour TVs.
We always gotta be about whatever is next.
And since this is June, that means “Dads and Grads.” Isn’t the almighty spinning wheel of capitalism so clever and inventive? “Dads and Grads.” I get it! And it even rhymes. Genius.
Whatever. Just as long as there is always another reason looming on the horizon to get out and spend money. Shits has got to be consumed, yo. Let’s celebrate with a $41 ice cream cake from the grocery store.
Please join me in welcoming this year’s crop of grads to a little place I like to call the Real World. Mwuhahahahaha!
Dads
I’m a dad. Let’s try to keep things civilized, though, and talk about something else. I see no reason to mire this post in the mud. Spawning a gerbil is nothing to brag about.
How about this? Did you know Jerry Sandusky is a dad? Yep. He and his wife Dottie (married over 40 years) have six adopted children and have also been there for foster children, too.
We celebrate dads yet Sandusky is one. I don’t know if I want to live on such a planet anymore.
I woke up this morning and I still live in a world that doesn't have a #death penalty for doing things of which #Sandusky is alleged. #sad—
Tom B. Taker (@shoutabyss) June 16, 2012
Grads
Let’s move on to happier news. No, don’t get too excited. Neither of my gerbils has bothered to graduate high school yet as their approach their thirties. (More on this soon.)
But there is still reason to celebrate. As you may be aware, I recently became a Doctor and have begun insisting on the “Doctor” honorific being used in front of my name. Example: “Doctor Tom, will you please pass the salt?”
Since then I like to don a Starfleet uniform and dispense medical advice. Ex: “Please state the nature of the medical emergency. No, I won’t pass the salt. It’s bad for you. Do not eat the salt. That’ll be $150.”
My doctorate (honorary) in “ethics, morality, truth, logic and the American way” was issued by the esteemed Abyss University (mythical), of which I also happen to be the founder and president. One of my greatest pleasures is derived from issuing doctorates to people such as myself.
As a doctor, I find myself in good company. Benjamin Franklin, perhaps best known as the father of the fart joke, also received an honorary degrees from the University of St. Andrews in 1759 and the University of Oxford in 1762. After that he insisted on being addressed as “Doctor Franklin.”
More recently, Stephen Colbert was made a Doctor of Fine Arts from Knox College in 2006. After which he was listed in the credits of his television show as “Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A.” (Bad form.) Wisely, Colbert now dispenses dubious medical advice despite his degree being Doctor of Fine Arts.
As a proponent of pay it forward it is now my doctoral pleasure to announce that Abyss University has conferred another honorary doctorate degree. That makes a grand total of two honorary doctors and no actual graduates. (So far.)
This year’s recipient is being recognized for achievements in:
- WordPress blogging: Her blog, Catherine Sherman, has been featured on Freshly Pressed.
- Photography: Beautiful pictures that have been featured on her blog, freelance, and more.
- Animal Welfare: Tireless volunteering at Wayside Waifs and efforts to find forever homes for animals.
- Conservatism: For intelligence, patriotism, diligence at staying informed, and caring about what’s best for her country.
Therefore, it is my distinct honor to present this virtual certificate for Doctorate in Being An Overall Good Person signed this date by Doctor Tom B. Taker to:
Catherine Sherman
Congratulations and may God have mercy on your soul.
I now present “Doctor Cathy” to the Abyss University graduating class of 2012. She will now give the commencement address. Listen up, you twerps. She’s a doctor!
Doctor Tom, How can I not rate this five stars and be the first to “like” it! I’m blushing at this great honor, and I humbly accept it. I am not yet in your or Doctor Benjamin Franklin’s sphere, but I shall aspire to it. What’s next after Doctor? Doctor with Sprinkles? Double Dutch Doctor? Doctor Squared? I will commence laboring on a commencement speech, which will be for me a labor of love, but to all of you most likely will be merely laborious. Doctor Cathy.
I awarded my beloved cat Malcolm a doctorate in Napology. He wrote his thesis on research into the best spots for napping and how often to switch sleeping positions.
You earned it. See you at the alumni mixer.
After doctor? Perhaps president? Then after that: Emperor, Dictator, Deity, and, finally, God. Abyss University will be issuing certificates for each level as it is reached.
As for myself, I prefer to be modest. I also go by the title Supreme Ruler of the Universe. I earned the title back in my early twenties when I challenged God to a duel – to the death – and he forfeited the match by failing to show. Check the bylaws, the title is legit.
Y’all better be nice to me.
My cats are working towards their doctorates in Napology, too. They have already presented their dissertations to the committee. Here’s hoping!
As a doctor, does that mean you can dispense a lethal dose of hemlock to Sandusky?
fits if you’re an MD doctor, or a PhD!
Congratulations, Dr.Sherman! I look forward to reading only half the conversation of Tom’s replies to your tweets! At least until I get off my lazy butt and follow you too…
Speaking as a doctor, I’d love to “treat” Sandusky. I think I could cure him.