Chess and Mate

As a public service, we now continue our coverage of the Mitt Romney campaign…

During a recent whistle stop tour, Republican presumptive nominee Mitt Romney delivered two stump speeches to two very different groups. We embedded our correspondents who filed these reports.

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On the second Tuesday of last week Mitt Romney made a campaign stop in Toluca, Alabama, to address the annual convention of International Federation of Chess Players Who Only Play Black Pieces (IFCPWOPB).

I understand your disadvantages. I’ve been you. I know what it’s like to watch your opponent make the first move while you are forced to wait.

(applause)

When I am elected your president the black pieces will always move first.

(applause)

Now that chess has been “solved” we know that theoretically black can never win. And that’s just not fair. This is exactly the same kind of white piece elitism that I’m going to make a thing of the past.

Sure, even though as a youngster I protested in favor of the Vietnam draft, that wasn’t the right path for me. I had to find the moral conviction to fight for something that I felt was right for other people even though I personally had a higher calling.

On behalf of the king I decided not to be a pawn so I was sent by the bishop to leave my castle and go to France. I, unfortunately, was exempt from the draft because I was a missionary. And I fought like a knight on behalf of my cause.

I am a veteran of that battle. There were times I was pinned down. I had to sacrifice material for a positional advantage. I’ve even made a blunder or two, but that was the gambit I had to play. On the board of life I’m no rook.

Vote for me as president and I promise you that en passant will never become passé! Trust me on this. I fluently speak Francais. I know what I’m talking about.

Long live the people who play only the black pieces. Check and mate!

Then, on the second Tuesday of next week, Romney visited Hell Hollow, New Hampshire, for an informal meet-n-greet with an assembled throng of members representing the White Piece Chess Players of America (WPCPOA).

I understand your disadvantages. I’ve been you. I know what it’s like to start with the advantage. When one moves first, one is always expected to win. That can get to be a real bummer. Only those of us who have been in those shoes can really grok how that feels.

(applause)

While the black piece elitists cry about the simple facts of life we still have to play our best game. Our victories are never handed to us. Our wins may be diminished by the naysayers but we know that we earned them!

(applause)

When I’m elected president I will veto the amendment that would allow black pieces to move first. And I will oppose the radicals with their alarming suggestion of “alternating starts.” Chess has a grand tradition that has always worked since the dawn of time. That tradition must be defended. As your president I will fight against all efforts to erode traditional opening moves. I’ll throw the book at ‘em.

Long live the people who play only the white pieces. Check and mate!

Finally, in a surprise stop last Friday in Checks Corner, Arkansas, Romney paid a “pop in” visit to Earl’s Barber Shop interrupting a game of checkers already underway.

Does anyone here like chess?

(boos)

Me, either! As your president I will move to elevate the game of checkers above that of chess. But to do that, I need your vote.

(chuckles)

Crown me and make me your King. Then I’ll jump up, jump up, and jump around. I’ll also be one of you.

This concludes our team coverage. After filing this last report we received a message that our journalists could no longer tolerate being “embedded.” They are now en route to Sanford, Florida, for far more respectable media duties.

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