As a former altar boy (reformed) I know how to pray. And I’m not above resorting to such tactics when the need is great. Like when I want revenge on my boss. You know what they say: “There are no atheists in shitholes.”
On my blog I claim to be many things, it’s true. But I’ve never claimed to be mature. E-v-a-r. I dare you to go back and painstakingly re-read every word I’ve ever written. I think you’ll find this claim to be born out. There will be nary a word about the mythical beast known as my maturity. Neener, neener and in yo face!
Where was I? Oh yeah. What could it possibly be that would motivate me to pray? Read on!
So there I was watching the boss drooling and playing with himself over the thought of adding yet another iPad to his collection. A true Apple fanboy (derogatory) he got his pre-order in right after Tim Cook forgot to tuck in his button-up shirt (stylish) and finished telling the world, “This is an iPad 2 with a retina display. You’ll buy it even if you don’t quite know why. Comply.”
Was I green with envy? You bet. Is that immature? Uh huh. A scummy guy who is utterly unethical and despicable in business picks up every new little gadget for the hell of it, then completely forgets about it and there it sits gathering dust. Except, of course, when he goes to the bathroom for 45 minutes when he takes it with him to do important boss shit like play Plants vs. Zombies while sitting on the toilet.
Every day the packages from Amazon and Woot.com roll in for the boss. He’s a possession whore. Money can’t buy you love but possessions make you feel better about your shitty existence. Apparently.
Meanwhile, if my feet hurt (which they do) I have to start something called a “fund” to hopefully be able to save up enough money to buy a new pair of sneakers someday, although I generally get them used. Right now I’m sporting a pair of black velcro-secured footwear, and that’s one step up from fucking Crocs. (Gag me.)
It was under such circumstances I found myself falling to my knees a few weeks ago, in the most humble fashion, sincerely opening my (black) heart to the Lord and imploring him/her to hear my plea.
It’s me, little Tommy. Remember me? I know it’s been a while and you’ve forgotten I’ve ever existed (always slip in an insult when you can, Ed.) but I need you right now. I hope you already know I wouldn’t be asking if it wasn’t really important.
Yeah, I know it’s crass to turn to you only in times of need and you’ll probably get a good belly laugh from this. What can I say? I’m literally at your mercy. And I do enjoy being entertaining.
Anyway, even though Steve Jobs isn’t one of your flock any longer, you still probably heard about this new iPad 3 coming out soon. It’d be hard to miss it.
My boss is snatching one up for the hell of it and I, of course, have to wait. So I have a few simple requests.
- Please fuck with the name. Don’t let it be called the “iPad 3.” That would make things too easy. When the bastard searches for anything to do with his latest prize, I want all sorts of iPad and iPad 2 bullshit clouding the waters in the results. It should be really hard to find anything about the new one with all of the old stuff mixed in. That would be great.
- As a quintessential early adopter, especially of things for which he has no legitimate need, please make something wrong with the first units rushed to market by Apple. Maybe it could be something as inconsequential as the thing running a little bit hot. I just want my iPad to be better than his when I finally get around to it.
- He had to have, of course, the top of the line thing and the data plan support, too. Please make the thing suck down bandwidth like a thirsty whore so he’ll get hit with expensive overage fees. You can call this a “speed trap” if you like.
- I know you like things in threes, but I can’t resist. I’m not trying to be greedy but one more quickie. Please make the Wi-Fi intermittent and frustrating.
Oh yeah, thanks again for that last game of chess. I found it rather challenging.
What can I say? Sometimes prayers do come true.