Opening shot. A wide view of a room surrounded by casks of wine. View of table with four people seated and a door visible in the background.
Shot tightens on the door as dramatic music beings to play. The door opens.
In walks Olaf all decked out in his Top Chef attire. In walks Stefan. In walks Fernand. In walks Alexandre. In walks God.
The shot changes. We are now viewing the judges from behind, the camera view sliding along parallel to where they sit, with a front scrolling view of the contestants lined up in order standing with their feet slightly apart and their hands behind their backs.
Judge: God, let’s talk about your dish. How do you feel you did today?
God: I feel I did extremely well. The dish I created was delicious. As the designer and creator of the human tongue, I knew the flavor combinations in my dish would hit all five flavor centers in exactly the way I intended.
Judge: What was your inspiration for today’s challenge?
God: I wanted to highlight the natural beauty of the freshest ingredients, with a focus on clean, crisp and vibrant flavors.
Judge: You could have selected any protein for this challenge but you went with pork. Again. What was your thought process there?
God: All this talk about pork being unclean is just a bunch of hype. It’s actually my favorite protein. Maybe I went to that well once too often, but I think it was a good decision.
Judge: Did you taste your dish?
God: Of course. And since I am infallible I know it was perfectly seasoned.
Judge: Some of us felt the pork was a little overcooked. And frankly, the presentation was a little over the top.
God: You have to be somewhat careful with pork. I certainly didn’t want to serve it undercooked. And my presentation was specifically designed to appeal to the precise average of the sensibilities involved for the particular judges in this challenge. Even in theory it could not have been more accurate.
Judge: Some of the judges felt you played it a little safe. And your seasonings were a bit off.
Judge: You all put out some amazing dishes today. Unfortunately this is a cooking competition and one of you will not be moving on to the next round.
Cue dramatic music. Cue a two-second close-up shot of each contestant’s face. Change view back to judge who finally says in dramatic fashion:
Judge: God, please perform a miracle on your knives and go.
God: Thank you so much for this opportunity.
Sometimes there is just no pleasing those picky, picky judges!
And when was it decided that taking 16 persons of any given profession and eliminating the “worst” one round after round in a series of challenges until only one remains is a valid method of determining the “top” person? Since any chef can have a bad day, this is decidedly not very accurate.